


Under the Skies

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Broken Parabatai Bond, Dark, Despair, Drugs, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Prostitution, Rape, Torture, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22772896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: "It took the Warlock 30 minutes to erase and modify all memories. 30 minutes to remove true love, a little sister and a home. 30 minutes to take everything away that had mattered to Jace."When Jace and Alec meet for the first time, they are both love starved and ready for a true connection. They are both too young to realize that they are in love, therefore they decide to become Parabatai. But their love is too strong to be ignored forever, it comes to the surface and captivates the two boys. The inevitable happens, they are found out and their bond is severed by force, leaving an irreparable hole in their souls. But what is even worse, their memories are erased, they are doomed to live a life where they have no knowledge of their other half. Will they find their way back to each other or are they too broken to trust and love again?The rape tag is not referring to something which happens between Jace and Alec!
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Jace Wayland
Comments: 64
Kudos: 52





	1. No Place for Hope

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to OliviaLuzia who helped to sort out some Parabatai issues: you're amazing!
> 
> Please read the tags!

Growing up in the New York Institute was a lonely matter. It was just him, Izzy, their tutor Hodge and his parents Maryse and Robert, but Alec was not really sure if they counted, as they were more often away than present. And even when they were there, their heads seemed always stuck in Idris, too absorbed in one Clave issue or another to truly see their kids.

From time to time they had visitors, other Shadowhunters or his cousin Aline from Idris, but this was pretty much it. Sometimes Alec missed someone in his life, a friend who he could talk to, to confide in. He had Izzy, who was the greatest sister he could wish for, but she was 3 years younger and he felt sometimes she was still a child while he was already a grown up.

When his parents announced that they planned to take in a boy, the son of Robert’s Parabatai Michael Wayland, who had been killed a couple of days back, Alec was thrilled. It was weird to think of his father as a Parabatai, he had never heard Robert talk about Michael, and frankly Robert didn’t seem capable of such a devotion. But sometime during his youth, Robert must have felt enough for someone to agree to share a soul. It baffled 13-year old Alec, as Robert never showed much affection towards his wife or his children. The only thing what mattered was the Lightwood name, power and influence.

Alec was at the training room when he met Jonathan for the first time. He was practicing with his bow, his weapon of choice. He loved the way his bow felt in his hands, he loved the way the bow allowed him to protect his sister during a fight. Having the strategic overview over a battle scenery and trying to eliminate enemies before they were too close to actually hurt her was exactly the way he liked it. Not that he was bad with other weapons, he sure was good with any of them. He knew how to handle daggers, blades, swords, but his true love was the bow.

So he was not impressed when the new blond boy who approached him during his training, criticized something in his stand. He bit his lip to hold back a snarky remark. He reminded himself that the cocky blond in front of him just had been orphaned and surely must grieve and be in a kind of shock. And everyone coped differently with that. So if the boy felt better criticizing him, fine. Alec huffed a little, adjusting his stand according to the advice – and he hit the bull’s eye dead on. A smug smile crossed the young boy’s face. Alec glared at him. “Hey, relax, we’re on the same side. I’m Jonathan.” The boy came nearer and one look into the beautiful mismatched eyes, which tried to hide the inner turmoil, Alec knew the boy was right. They were on the same side. He never wanted to be on different sides, not ever.

“I’m Alec”, he said, swallowing hard. Suddenly he wished Izzy were there, she had a natural charm he was certainly missing. “I was looking forward to meeting you.”

Jace cocked one eyebrow. “Why? I figured that you might be not thrilled having me here, invading your home and stuff.”

“To be honest, we have tons of empty rooms and mainly it’s just me and my sister. So no, I really don’t mind having you here. Actually I think it’s great. I mean, I’m sorry for your loss, that must be terrible…” Alec blushed, stumbling over his words. He hadn’t meant to sound so unbothered by Jonathan’s tragedy, he really needed to work on his social skills. A brief look of pain washed over the young boy’s face, but was soon replaced by a cocky grin. Alec filed this information away for later. It seemed Jonathan used his cockiness as an armor to mask his true feelings.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. Can you show me my room?”

And that was basically it, the root of their deep connection had already settled in. Alec was impressed by Jonathan’s skills, his fearlessness, the easiness with which he mastered every weapon, every obstacle thrown his way. But what truly caught him was the vulnerability the blond showed towards him, but only when they were alone or sometimes with Izzy around.

It started with nightmares. Alec saw the bags under Jonathan’s eyes getting darker each day, but of course the blond denied having any problems. He flinched back from Alec’s reassuring touch when he wanted to tell him it was okay to be scared, that it was ok to be lonely. For a short moment Alec saw the broken look in those eyes before the armor snapped back into place. Alec swore to himself that he would do everything possible to heal these eyes. When he heard muffled screams the next night, he didn’t hesitate a second, he just went into Jonathan’s room and laid down next to him, wrapping his arms around the slender frame before him. Jonathan didn’t wake up at once, he squirmed in his sleep, trying to get away and closer to Alec at the same time. “No, father, please. Don’t. You are hurting me. Don’t. Please.” The staccato words made Alec’s heart clench. It seemed the boy was not only traumatized by his father’s death, but long before, by his father himself. Soothingly he patted the blond’s dumb hair, whispering over and over again. “It’s alright, Jonathan, I’m here. I don’t let anyone hurt you. I’m here.” Finally, Jonathan’s eyes flew open, his breathing racked. He panted heavily, sweat covering his whole body. “Alec?” he asked tentatively. “Why are you here?” “Sh, you were having a nightmare. It’s all right, I stay with you Jonathan.” The boy shivered at that name. “Only my father ever called me that. I don’t like that name.” “How did others call you then?” The small laugh which escaped Jonathan’s mouth sounded so sad, Alec pulled him in even closer, even though that was barely possible. “What others? There were never others. Only my father.”

“Then we will find you a name that doesn’t remind you of him. He doesn’t deserve to be remembered every time your name is called.” The fierceness in Alec’s voice made the blond go very still. “My father was a good man.” It sounded weak and Alec was not taking it. “I heard you in your dream. He hurt you. And I’m not blind. I’ve seen the scars on your back. It took me until tonight to realize where the scars are from, but it make sense now. He beat you. He hurt you. I know he was your father, but no father should do this to his son.” He was still combing through Jonathan’s hair. He leaned in to whisper softly into the younger one’s ear. “And when you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here. I’ll always be. But for now, we are giving you a nick name. It’s Lightwood tradition anyway. Isabelle is Izzy, and no one calls me Alexander. I’m Alec. So who could you be. Jon?” The blond shook his head. No, that didn’t fit. “Nathan? Nate? Johnny? But they are all too boring for you.” Alec stated. “You need something more special.” Jonathan couldn’t help but smile at these words. “No one has ever called me special. I have a second name. Christopher”, he offered.

Alec huffed. “Christopher. This doesn’t work either. Neither does Chris. Jonathan Christopher… J. C. No, that’s cheesy. But what about Jace?” The young boy beamed. “I like Jace. That sounds good, that sounds… like me.” Alec smiled back. “Yes, it really does.”

From then on, they spent a lot nights together, cuddled up in either Jace’s bed or Alec’s. Sometimes they just slept together, curled up into each other, enjoying the closeness of the other. Other times, they spent the night talking, about Alec’s ambitions, the expectations his parents had, his insecurities. They talked a lot about Jace’s childhood, the longer they knew each other, the more the boy opened up. Sometimes the extend of abuse Jace had suffered still scared Alec, but he couldn’t help but admire the way the blond coped with it. He was glad that slowly Jace accepted that his father had been not the good man he wanted him to be, just like every child wanted to believe his parents were good. But as much as Alec had to confess to himself that his parents didn’t give a damn about who he really was, as much the blond came to the conclusion that his father had been an abusive manipulator, tricking his son into believing all punishments had been for a greater good, for Jace’s good. Talking to each other helped them both to sort out their mixed feelings towards their upbringing.

***

If anyone had told him that the death of his father was the true beginning of his life he would have laughed at him. For twelve years, his father had been his whole world. It had been a harsh world, full of pain, punishment, training and submission. But it had been his, the only one he had ever known He had barely met other people, he never had a friend. When his father was murdered and he thought his world ended, he discovered that there was another, different life waiting of him. A one where he was less lonely, less in pain. In fact, he even felt safe, even if it was only Alec’s presence which kept the monsters at bay during the nights.

He was a strong fighter; awake there was nothing he really feared. He had hunted demons since he had been able hold a weapon properly, there was not much he hadn’t seen or killed. Other demons, the ones in his head, which had the voice and hands of his father were not killed so easily, but when Alec slept next to him, his steady heartbeat synchronizing with his own, he felt save enough to sleep and in those nights, nothing taunted his dreams.

The feeling of having a friend and a little sister was overwhelming. His first words to Alec had been criticism regarding his fighting habits, not knowing what else to say. He was glad the other was not offended but offered him his friendship so easily, as if he had been waiting for him. Becoming friends with Alec was the easiest thing he had done so far in his life. It just felt natural, as if they were meant to be. When he looked into the hazel eyes in front of him, he understood that he didn’t need his cockiness, his armor to protect himself. He instinctively knew that the other would do that for him, no matter what, just as he would do for Alec. With Izzy it was similar, but not identical. She was younger than him, just by two years, but nevertheless, for her he felt immediately a brotherly love and a protectiveness only an older brother could feel for a younger sister. He felt protective of Alec, but in a different way. With Alec, he felt the need to protect him even from himself, as he subconsciously knew that he, Jace, was the person who could hurt Alec beyond repair. But he knew he wouldn’t.

Even as a child, Izzy had an outgoing personality, a warmness and generosity Jace was astonished to discover, considering the coldness in which she grew up. Alec was much more guarded, always trying to hide his feelings. In this way, he was more like Jace, they had different coping mechanism but the reason to cope the same in the first place: both boys feared rejection. It took them a while, but after spending so many nights together, curled up in the calming presence of the other, they felt save enough to let their guards down, to truly let the other in. Probably, Izzy was not as fucked up because she always had Alec to love her, to cherish her.

Jace had mixed feelings towards Robert and Maryse. He was grateful that they had taken him in, he was thankful that they didn’t beat him. What he hated was the cold way they treated their own children. Whatever the siblings did, it was never good enough for them. Sometimes Jace felt ashamed that his fighting skills were better than Alec’s and Izzy’s, as he knew it was one of the reasons the Lightwoods favored him. He didn’t understand why they seemed to care for him so easily but were so relentless towards their true children. But maybe that was just the way parents were. He had never met his mother, she had abandoned him with a cruel father when he was just a baby. Unconditional love seemed not something a parent would provide.

It was easy for Jace to adapt to the New York life. He was used to loneliness, so he didn’t mind the lack of other children in his life, as long as he was with Alec and Izzy, his world was complete. He liked Hodge, their tutor, even though sometimes there was something which reminded him of his father. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it, he was not cruel as his father, he never punished either of them, but there was something in the way he phrased certain things that made Jace wary. Hodge was a convicted war criminal, he had fought on the wrong side of the war and was now bound to the Institute, he could never leave it. Jace was not sure if he believed in redemption, but he kept his thoughts to himself, Izzy and Alec kind of worshipped their tutor. Jace got it, Hodge was a better father than Robert had ever been to the two of them. Nevertheless, the blond kept his distance, but he enjoyed the lessons, Hodge being a good teacher. His father had made him learn a lot about history and demon languages, but he had never been keen on making the things interesting, unlike Hodge. For the first time in his life, Jace learned because he liked to learn, not because he feared punishment. It was an interesting experience.

What he liked best were the training sessions. Alec was an exceptional fighter and he loved to measure their strengths – and he loved to win. Even if Alec was older and taller, most of the times Jace had the upper hand. The ruthless way he had been taught gave him an advantage and he was quicker than his friend, but Alec didn’t seem to mind. If Jace was honest, he didn’t mind so much losing against Alec either, in fact, sometimes he even liked the feeling of being pinned down to the mattress, his hands secured above his head, the heavy weight of Alec’s heated body pressing him down, leaving him at the mercy of the older boy. He always felt kind of disappointed when the other grinned at him and finally let go. Jace always felt like there was something else he wanted to do when pinned down like that, but he was too young and too innocent – at least in this area – to realize what he wanted.

The first time the three of them were allowed to go on a mission was one of the best days in Jace’s life so far. Alec was 14, Jace 13 and Izzy only 11, but the brunette simply refused to be left behind and Hodge had always been wrapped around her little finger, so he let them go. It was just a minor thing, there was one Mantid demon on the loose, but nevertheless, it was their first solo mission. Alec was clearly nervous, as the eldest he had the lead and was responsible. He had his quiver and bow strapped around his shoulder, two daggers in his boots and a seraph blade in his belt. Jace was armed with blades and daggers, Izzy had in addition her whip. They had named their blades beforehand, they just had to draw them and they would light up. Alec had made a plan, Jace and Izzy both had to stifle a laugh when Alec seriously explained the strategy he had made. But to be fair, it was a good one and Jace vowed to himself to follow Alec’s lead. When they arrived at the venue, Alec glared at both of them. “The three of us go in. Together!” He looked pointedly at Jace, who had the habit of just storming in first. Jace nodded, seriously. “And the three of us go out. Together.” Jace smirked at Alec. “Jerk” the older boy muttered under his breath, but no heat was in his voice. Jace laughed, he was not nervous, not at all. He had been on so many missions with his father and he trusted the Lightwood siblings more than he had trusted his own father, he knew they worked perfectly together.

Jace was proven right. Alec went in first, flanked by Jace and Izzy. As soon as the demon was in sight, Alec let an arrow fly, distracting and wounding it. The arrows were no weapon to kill the demon, but this had not been the plan all along. While the monster hissed in pain and focused only on Alec, Izzy was able to wrap her whip around the head, giving Jace the possibility to kill it with one clean cut in the belly. The demon exploded and vanished back to his home dimension, splatting ichor all over the place. The three kids didn’t mind, they grinned proudly at each other, they had passed their baptism of fire. Izzy laughed infectiously, putting her hand in the middle. “Three in” she yelled, the boys joining in without missing a beat “three out”. From then on, this was their battle call before every mission.

It was around the time of their first missions when the boys learned about Parabatai. Of course they both had known about the vague concept of it, but they had never thought about what it truly implied. When Hodge taught them about the first Shadowhunter Jonathan, who pledged himself to David, creating a new type of soul bond, their faces lit up. They looked at each other and they nodded with excitement, both knowing what the other thought. Both boys had been searching for an explanation for the intense relationship they shared which was unlike everything they had experienced before. It was not brotherly what they felt, but also not just friendship, it was so much more. When Jace had met Izzy, he was sure the girl was meant to be his little sister. When he met Alec, he was sure that Alec and he where meant to be – but what? Now hearing about Parabatai just made sense. They had clicked from their first joint training session and it just had deepened throughout every mission and danger they passed together. Being Parabatai made Shadowhunters stronger in fights, they felt when their partner was in pain to be able to provide help, they sensed the position of the other in battle, they synchronized in a way no other Shadowhunter could ever experience. Becoming Parabatai meant to join souls, to be forever bonded to the other.

They chatted about the possibility constantly, both boys knew that there was more to their relationship than they had been able to acknowledge openly so far. Becoming Parabatai was just the logical thing to do, it would push their relationship to the next level, without having to deal with the unexplainable feelings they had. Both did this not knowingly, as neither of them had really been taught to talk or just consider emotions. Jace’s father had hammered into the young boy that love was a destroying force, that love destroyed the one you love and being loved ended in your own destruction. So surely, what he felt for Alec couldn’t be love, as he knew he would never let anyone or anything hurt Alec, not if he could prevent it. He would sacrifice himself without second thoughts if this meant saving Alec. So the need to be close to Alec, the need to touch him, the need to make him laugh, the need to protect him and rub away the frown and hurt look when his parents scowled at him again, this couldn’t be love, could it? He was so relieved to find something that explained everything he felt. It was not love, it was that Alec was meant to be his Parabatai. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

Alec on the other hand, was too afraid to admit his feelings for the blond, even in front of himself. No one had ever taught him that homosexuality was just as natural as heterosexuality; to the contrary, his father and other Shadowhunters had made clear that this was not an option at all, that it was a disgusting thing to feel. Alec knew that what he felt for Jace was the opposite of disgusting, it was the purest thing Alec had ever felt. He would die for Jace, it was as simple as that. If Jace’s father had not been dead, Alec would probably have killed him himself, for all the things he had done to the younger boy. Never again would anybody hurt the blond like that. So these feelings, they couldn’t be love, could they? So when Alec heard about Parabatai, he knew that this was it, this was why he felt so strongly about Jace. He was his Parabatai, nothing more, nothing less.

If Alec’s parents had been around more and cared more about Alec’s true self, if they had been open minded and tolerant, if maybe Izzy had been a bit older, all of them might have seen that the boys made a mistake. They would have seen that what they felt was “just” love, the kind of love you felt once in your life, the love which moved heaven and earth, the kind of love which could save you. But there were too many ifs, Izzy was just 11, she understood that her brothers were connected in a deep way, but she was too young to see that it was love. And Robert and Maryse – they were more absent than anything and they didn’t really care and never had been confronted with true love, so they didn’t recognize it happening to one of their children.

There was no one to talk them out of it, to push them in the right direction. They made their vows in front of their family and a Silent Brother, they drew their runes on the bare skin of the other and the moment the bond settled in was the best in both their lives. The feelings which flew raw and openly through the bond where overwhelming, the love pure and unmasked, but both boys didn’t realize the kind of love they felt, not yet anyway. They just were happy, believing it had been the right decision. And in a way it was. To feel the constant heartbeat of the other, to be trusted to carry a piece of the soul of the other, to be responsible of this piece, it was beyond anything they had experienced before. They were able to feel if the other was happy or not. In the days and weeks after the bond had settled in, Alec knew when Jace was about to have a nightmare even before it really started. Jace knew when the Lightwoods were at the Institute before he saw them, the unease he felt coming from the bond hint enough. It was amazing.

But with time, they realized that there was still something missing. Even for Parabatai, they were close, suspiciously close. The need to touch, to not only feel the emotional closeness but also a physical one, was always there. When they sat together, their shoulders brushed, hands found their way into the hair of the other, brushing a loose strand away, even when they started sleeping at opposite ends of the beds they ended up interlined, as if a magic force drew them together.

The older they got, the harder it was for them to ignore the feelings, puberty with its over boarding hormones hitting both of them hard. Jace realized the way girls looked at him, he had always been comfortable in his body and he grew more and more into it. He tried his luck and to no one’s surprise, he had no problems hitting on girls. Jace’s first kiss happened at a Downworlder party, to which they had been invited thanks to Izzy. Alec was sulking, he hated parties but had tagged along for Jace’s and Izzy’s sake. Both of them had actually fun and when Jace met a pretty brown haired girl, he took his chance and kissed her on the dancefloor. When he looked up he found Alec’s gaze on him, hurt briefly washing over his face before it went blank. It was the first time Jace realized that Alec could mute their bond, the total lack of emotion coming from the raven boy’s side frightening him more than any demon could. Jace never kissed another girl again. Or boy for that matter.

From that incident on, they fell faster and harder. Each one to one training session which they had alone turned into something what was more foreplay than anything else. Yet, they still didn’t act on it. One reason of course was that it was forbidden, everyone knew about the strict law that Parabatai were never allowed to commit Eros, as otherwise a curse would snap into place. No one knew what the curse entailed, but the punishment when being caught was brutal. The bond would be severed and depending on the other circumstances, the pair was separated maybe even deruned.

But Jace had never been good at following rules. So one day, when he lay panting on the ground, pressed down by Alec’s body, a poorly hidden erection poking into his hip, he just grabbed Alec’s head, pulled him down and kissed him. What was meant to be a chased kiss, turned out to be a messy, sloppy, passionate kiss, teeth clashing against each other, tongues fighting for dominance and lips being sucked at and bitten. When they managed to draw apart, the need for air finally bigger than the need to being kissed, they looked at each other, wide eyed with shock and awe and love. Finally, they had found the missing piece. In the beginning, it was hard to acknowledge the feeling, especially Alec was trying to shy away from it. After their first kiss, Alec tried to explain it away as “a mistake, which should not happen again”. This time it was Jace who muted their bond, for the first time since they had become Parabatai. The effect was the same, Alec freaked out and went looking for Jace, who was sitting in his room, heaving with anger and hurt. “I’m not a fucking mistake” he yelled, his mismatched eyes burning into Alec’s. “No, of course you aren’t. You are anything but.” And then Alec kissed Jace with the same fierceness than the first time. After that, there was no room left for denial or going back. From then on, they just were.

They were both afraid of the Parabatai Curse, but as nothing happened, they moved on from kissing to touching, to blow jobs, to actual sex. Their bond deepened, the emotions which they felt coming through the bond clearer than ever before. Runes which they applied on the other were stronger, Iratzes healed more quickly. But besides that, nothing happened.

The weeks which came after that were the best in the boy’s life. Caught up in their love the rest of the world seemed to mute down. The night they first slept together would stay forever on their mind. They hadn’t planned for it, it just happened as their first kiss, as everything had just happened between them. And maybe this was just the way it was supposed to be. Their love was a force which just was and carved its way through all obstacles and good intentions.

Everything could have been perfect, if not one day, they had forgotten to lock their door. Normally, no one bothered them in their rooms, occasionally Izzy would come around, but unfortunately it wasn’t Izzy. Izzy seemed to know what was going on between them anyway, if the grins and pointed looks she gave them was anything to go by. It was Maryse who came announced in Alec’s room, when they were right in the middle of it. She opened the door quietly and stood there frozen in shock for several seconds, before she retreated quietly, so quietly the boys didn’t even notice. If they had, maybe it had been enough time to flee, to think of a strategy, to appeal to her heart. If not that day, the day where Maryse rage anger was the strongest, a Clave delegation arrived at the Institute, she might have considered her actions.

But again, too many ifs.

Maryse told Robert what she had seen, and Robert freaked out. His own Parabatai, the father of Jace, had hit on him when they were younger and he had been disgusted by it. The thought that this happened now to his son made him sick, his judgment clouded by homophobic thoughts and anger. They quickly agreed that this was not tolerable, that they had to do something about it and being the perfect soldiers they were, they reported their own children to the Clave. To their surprise, the woman from the Clave who led the delegation, Josephine Lovelace, was rather understanding. “They are both really young and from what you’ve told us, this is new to them. Their bond is corrupted of course, it needs to be severed. But after a short time of exile to truly sever it, Jace could return here.”

“I will not tolerate that …. person here any longer. I want him gone! I don’t care where to but he will never set foot in my Institute again. I took him in and he repays my generosity by seducing and corrupting my son!” Robert fumed with rage and disgust. Josephine looked rather uncomfortable. “Jace is an orphan, he has no other place to go. He would end up in an orphanage.” Maryse sharp tone cut it. “My husband made it clear. We don’t tolerate _things_ like that here. It’s unnatural. It’s disgusting. We request that the bond is severed and that Jace is transferred. Furthermore we want their memories to be modified. I read that it had been done with others. I want that, too. Erase Alec’s memories of that _boy_. And Izzy’s and Hodge’s.”

Josephine looked shocked. “This procedure hasn’t been done in a long time. It truly messes with the people it is done to. I cannot…” Again she was interrupted. “You can and you will. This boy messed with my children. I will not tolerate this. Do I have to remind you who our friends are? If you are not careful, Ms. Lovelace, your career ends way earlier than you’d like. Would be a shame, wouldn’t it?” Josephine sighed, swallowed and then nodded. She felt for the children, but what could she do?

Jace and Alec lay in Alec’s bed, sleeping peacefully, Jace’s head resting on Alec’s chest while the other had flung an arm protectively around the blond, when their door burst open and several Clave Shadowhunters appeared. Both boys awoke with a start but before they could reach for their weapons, still dizzy with sleep, four men had already snatched Jace and dragged him off the bed. Jace fought like crazy, trying to get rid of the arms and hands which hold him, kicking and screaming at the men. Alec did the same, but he was hold down, cuffs were tightened around his wrists and he was restrained to the bed. For a short moment the boys locked eyes, both knowing what it was about. They had felt save in the seclusion of the Institute, but someone had found out and now it was too late for remorse. It took the whole four men to drag Jace out of the room, who was still yelling Alec’s name, fighting like a maniac to get free, to get to his love to help him. Alec was held down mercilessly, a gag was pressed into his mouth but even this could only muffle the screams, not mute them totally. He kicked at the Shadowhunters who tried to secure his feet to the bed, hitting one straight in the face, yet the breaking of the bone not stopping the Shadowhunter. But as much as they fought, they were clearly outnumbered, they didn’t stand a chance. Tears were splashing down Alec’s face when he saw Jace crumbling to the floor when a blow hit him in the stomach, followed by kicks in his rips and to his head. “Pervert, you are disgusting” the Shadowhunter spat at the boy, before actually spitting right into his face. Jace didn’t cry, he just stared back with an expression of pure hatred. Finally they managed to cuff Jace as well. Before they dragged him out of the room, he looked at Alec, his glance changing from hate to love in a heartbeat. With a voice so soft and so serene as if no one else was in the room he addressed the older boy. “I love you Alec. I always will. Never forget that. Alec!” He couldn’t say more as another blow hit his face and filled his mouth with blood. Alec couldn’t respond due to the gag, but he hoped his eyes had said what his lips couldn’t. That he loved Jace back, always had, always would.

Jace was brought into a cell, half conscious only, but still ready to fight. It took the full force of four grown men to finally strap him down and gag him. For a brief moment he was glad that his head was spinning, he knew what was coming and he feared it more than anything, and the dizziness would prevent him from feeling too much. But the excruciating pain snapped right through faintness, leaving him wide awake while a Silent Brother was slowly removing his Parabatai rune. All he could do was scream into the gag, he was sure even through the knob everyone in the Institute could hear him. He felt his inside being ripped apart, the part of Alec’s soul was clinging to his own, not wanting to let go, refusing to being forced apart. Every inch of the rune which was erased from his skin made the pain a bit sharper, a bit more unbearable, made Alec’s soul buried in his own fade a way a little more. And with Alec’s soul, he felt himself fading with it. He screamed Alec’s name over and over again, but no one cared, no one stopped. They just erased the rune further and with the last bit of it, he felt something inside him snap. His soul cried out in pain when Alec’s piece was forcefully pulled away and he could feel the hole it left behind, a hole which never could be filled again. And throughout the whole time and through his own pain he heard Alec screaming his name, his voice strained with pain, the same he felt. His heart ached and he wanted to break free of his vessels, to run to his lover to protect him like he had sworn to do, but all his attempts were in vain. He was not strong enough. When the Silent Brother finally put his Stele down, leaving only bare skin behind where a Parabatai rune was supposed to be, Jace’s voice was hoarse from screaming, his whole body was itching with pain, he was covered in cold sweat and despair. But it was not over, not yet.

A Warlock entered the room, he was tall and slender, dark curly hair and eyes which could be described as beautiful. They were slid in half, half snake, half human, the green color as intense as the brown. “Hold him in place” the command was given in a cruel, unaffected voice. Two Shadowhunters grabbed Jace’s head and forced him to look at the Warlock, holding his head merciless in place, not allowing him to move the slightest. The pain when the Warlock entered Jace’s mind was completely different than the physical pain he had endured just before, even different form Alec’s soul being ripped away and his own being ripped in pieces. Jace fought against the intrusion and with every inch the Warlock dived deeper in his mind, Jace felt his inner core strained more, till it started to crack at the edges. He couldn’t scream, it was not such kind of pain where screaming could give release. He felt like his inner self imploded. When he realized that the Warlock was erasing his memories of Alec, he panicked and tried forcefully to get away, but the two men hold him in place no matter what. All Jace could do was lay there and watch all his memories of the last years being stripped from him, all he could do was watch Izzy and Alec disappear. Eventually, his mind gave up and slipped into darkness and he blacked out. It took the Warlock 30 minutes to erase and modify all memories. 30 minutes to remove true love, a little sister and a home. 30 minutes to take everything away that had mattered to Jace.

***

Izzy was woken by screams and fighting noises. She sat up at once, grapping her seraph blade which was always lying next to her bed on the cupboard. With horror she realized that the screams were her brothers’. They sounded oddly muffled, but she clearly heard the pain in them, she heard both calling out the name of the other. Without hesitation she sprang to her door, ready to fight alongside Jace and Alec, no matter the enemy. But when she tried to open the door, she couldn’t. Regardless how hard she tried, there was no way of opening it. Someone had placed a locking rune on her door. She screamed in frustration, trying to hack her way free with her blade, but she failed. There was no way out. She heard the screams getting more frantic before desperation switched into agony and pain. She slid down the wall and yelled her brothers’ name, not knowing if they heard her, but wanting them to know that they were not alone, that she was there, even if she was not able to help. Only when she felt the wetness on her cheeks she realized that she had started crying. She had no idea what was happening, but she knew it was something bad. Something evil, which could never be undone.

It felt like ages before the screams grew silent and the whole Institute was covered in an unusual calmness. The door of her room opened and she sprang to her feet, blade in hand, ready to fight. She hesitated for a second when she saw her mother entering the room, a grim look on her face, her mouth pressed into a thin line. Behind Maryse an unfamiliar warlock and two Clave Shadowhunters entered her room. The moment of hesitation had been enough, her mother disarmed her in a swift move and the Shadowhunters dragged her to her bed. She was cuffed and bound just as her two brothers before. Just as Alec and Jace Izzy fought long against the Warlock’s intrusion, before also her mind gave in and blacked out.

When she awoke two days later, she had only one brother left. At least only one she could remember.


	2. A Place for Pain

Alec stirred on his bed, murmuring in his sleep incomprehensible words. A deep frown was edged into his feature and sometimes his eyes opened wide in shock, but his gaze was empty, not truly awake. It seemed as if he wanted to scream something, his hands rising and clutching to hold onto somebody, but he always fell back into unconsciousness. Izzy watched him with concern, she had no idea what was wrong with her brother.

She had woken up three days earlier, a strange feeling of wrongness inside her stomach, which she couldn’t quite explain. She remembered a demon attack that had left both her and Alec injured. Her mother, who seemed even more distant than before, had told her that she had been in a magical induced coma for two days to heal all her wounds. Alec was out now for 5 days and she truly began to worry if he would wake up at all. She had no idea what she would do if he weren’t. His face looked so pained, she couldn’t imagine what he was going through.

Even after 3 days awake, she herself felt really weird. Whenever she tried to remember the attack, the memory seemed strangely vague and she didn’t feel a true connection to it. But maybe that was a side effect to the venom poisoning they had suffered.

She spent most of her time beside Alec’s bed. Her parents had not visited once. Her lips curled into a sad smile, maybe it was for the better. Movements from the bed caught her eye, Alec was squirming again. She took one of his restless hands into hers, squeezing gently and muttering words of comfort and pleas for him to wake up. The hand in hers felt cold and lifeless, but all of a sudden she felt a squeeze back. Alec’s eyes fluttered and finally, he cracked one eye open, clearly trying to focus on his surroundings. Izzy’s smile deepened while she watched her brother wake up, for real this time. Alec looked as confused as she felt. “Hey big brother, welcome back. You are in the infirmary. There was a demon attack.” Alec tried to smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. He felt strangely empty, as something was missing. “Izzy” he choked out, his voice raspy from disuse and soreness, as if he had screamed too loud for too long. But he couldn’t remember any screaming. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, he felt dizzy. He remembered blurrily the demon attack, but it was hard to focus on the incident. It was hard to focus on pretty much anything Alec thought.

***

Jonathan stood on the tiny balcony, staring at the dark, clouded sky while dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke deeply. He fucking hated his life. Ever since his father’s death his life had spiraled downwards. Not that his life before had been that great, mind you, but at least he hadn’t felt that empty. The lessons his father had given him had been painful and harsh, but he couldn’t help thinking that his father had been right to teach him the way he had done it. Each time the other kids in the orphanage ganged up and beat him bloody he silently thanked his father that he had made him strong enough to endure everything without embarrassing himself by crying or begging. When they hold him down to brake his nose for the hundreds time he just spat the blood seeping into his mouth right back in their faces, the smirk plastered on his face. He knew that this agitated them even more, spurring them on to hurt him more each time, but he would not let them win. Every time it got more difficult to heal himself afterwards, the Iratzes taking longer to close the wounds and grow back the bones.

From the start it had been clear that the others loathed him. He was too cocky and too skilled for his own good, but he would be damned if he showed anyone his vulnerable side. He had woken up in an unknown surrounding, dizzy, pained and scared. And lost, so lost. An unfamiliar Shadowhunter had told him that he had been in a magical coma for several days, as he and his father had been attacked by a demon. His father had died during the attack, leaving Jonathan at the mercy of the Clave. Jonathan knew that his father was dead, he remembered him dying, but what he didn’t really remember was the attack itself. Instead his father’s feet in a pool of blood and, strangely, a pair of hazel eyes kept surfacing in his memory. But he had been told that his father had died of demon venom, there shouldn’t be blood. And there shouldn’t be eyes, especially eyes with such a soft and loving expression. No one ever looked at Jonathan like that.

He had really clear memories, memories of his first hunt with his father, his runing ceremony, his father beating him because he had failed, again. And there were blurry ones, ones which fainted at the edges, a white fog hovering over them. His first solo mission where he killed a Mantid demon. Training sessions where he mastered the bow to perfection. His father’s death. The most recent memories were clear again, even if sometimes he wished those would be blurry too.

Ever since he had woken up, he couldn’t shake the feeling of missing something. Deep inside he was hurting, longing for something, but he had no idea what for. At the beginning he had thought that it was his father he longed for, but truth be told, he had loved his father, but not like that. He doubted his father could cut a hole so deep inside him that it was nearly unbearable to breath. He had always been lonely, there had never been someone else in his childhood, but the loneliness he felt now was different, it went somehow deeper. Sometimes, he felt like going insane.

He had found a strategy against the loneliness and the voice in his head which told him to go looking for something, and it worked pretty well. Whenever he had the possibility, he drank himself into oblivion. Given the fact that he housed in a miserable orphanage where no one gave a damn about the kids living there, he had quite often the opportunity. One problem was that he had no money, but he found ways around it. He was a Shadowhunter after all, a pretty talented one whatsoever. Glamouring himself and sneaking into a liquor shop became his second nature. He was not looking for the boost alcohol could provide or the jolliness which came with being drunk, he didn’t need the foul camaraderie which accompanied drinking together, he just needed the blankness it provided. Jonathan just needed the hole inside of him to stop hurting, even if it was just for a few minutes or hours. It helped, it really did, the pain faded more with each sip he drank, but each time he woke up, hungover with a fuel taste in his mouth, the loneliness hit him harder. Each time, he needed more alcohol to pass out. But there was no one else who could offer him solitude, so he returned to his bottles as often as he could.

He shook his head forcefully, trying to chase away his thoughts. There was no use dwelling on them. Cursing inwardly, he massaged his bloody knuckles. They had waited for him after dinner, ready to take out their frustrations about their miserable life, their lack of hope or purpose, on his body. This time, he was sure they had managed to break a rip. The other kids made sure to never face him alone, he was much stronger than any of them. But against four or five, even Jonathan stood no chance. He had briefly considered telling the teachers or the director what was going on, but he had dismissed the idea. He had seen the hungry looks especially the director gave him whenever he thought Jonathan didn’t catch him and he felt it was better to stay under the radar. And, so far, the others hadn’t injured him in earnest. He was a Wayland, he could take some beatings.

***

Alec woke up in the middle of the night, his numb hair was plastered to his wet skin. He felt restless, shivering from the cold sweat and the strange dreams. He had never had problems with sleeping, but ever since the coma he had nightmares. Whereat nightmares might be the wrong word, sometimes they felt strangely soothing. It was as his mind or soul was reaching out for something and sometimes it seemed to work, sometimes he woke up feeling a comfort he was not able to find truly awake. But sometimes, like today, he just felt foggy and confused. He looked at his fists, his knuckles and rips hurt like he had been in a fist fight, but he hadn’t. All he could see was smooth skin. Without realizing it his hand rubbed slowly over his hip, as if his body remembered something his mind couldn’t. He sighed. He knew it was fruitless to try to go to sleep, instead he stood up, got dressed and headed for the training room.

His 18th birthday was coming nearer. He had no plans to celebrate it, but he was sure Izzy wouldn’t let him get by with it. She had always liked to party and over the last months she had become a bit more desperate in her attempts to have fun. Alec always complained when she dragged him with her, but actually he didn’t mind that much. He was glad that he could keep an eye on her, not that she needed a babysitter, with 15 she was a strong fighter and everyone knew better than to mess with her, but old habits died hard. Besides, the distraction was good, even if he spent most parties by himself, rather observing than dancing or socializing. He had tried drinking but soon realized that he didn’t like the taste of it and hated the aftermath, so most of the times he stuck to water or coke. But he had to admit that sometimes it was nice to drink the emptiness inside away, to mask the loss he felt with fuzziness and bought lightness. He knew that Izzy felt the same kind of loss, they had talked about it, but both siblings couldn’t put their finger on it. The thought that he was not alone with his feelings helped him deal with it, otherwise he thought he might go crazy.

The feeling was not constant, but sometimes overwhelming. During their first solo mission, the siblings had invented a battle call – two in, two out. He remembered the mission, he remembered the glee when Izzy had killed the Mantid demon, he remembered her yelling the first part of the slogan and him chiming in – but something was so distinctly off with this memory, that every time they said their battle slogan to each other he inwardly winced. It just didn’t feel right. Apparently, Izzy felt the same. It was not an outspoken agreement, but after a while both realized that they had stopped using it.

The Lightwood siblings had always been close, but during the last months their bond had even deepened. Maryse and Robert were scarcely around anymore and when they were, they acted even more distant and cold than Alec remembered. He had caught his father looking at him with a mixture of disgust and resignation. He had no idea what he had done, but the stares made him shrink inwardly. He would give a lot for the approval of his father, but somehow he had lost every small connection they once had.

The dream and the unexplainable pain in his hands and abdomen had left him raw and vulnerable, so when Izzy asked him that day to join her at a party, he didn’t even pretend to complain but joined willingly. Izzy gave him a startled look and squeezed his hand sympathetically. “Bad dreams?” she whispered softly, while rubbing slowly his side. Both had a strange obsession with his left hip, he had no idea why but didn’t mind Izzy touching him there. Alec smiled despite himself, without his little sister he would have been truly lost.

Alec stood at a table, watching Izzy dance, sipping his drink. With a grimace he swallowed the golden liquor, he hated the taste, but today he hated being sober more. “Hey pretty boy” a voice interrupted his thoughts, he looked around to see who the glamorous man in front of him was addressing. But there was no one, besides himself. With a smirk the man approached him, gesturing at his drink. “Can I get you something else? Maybe something different? You don’t seem to like it too much.” Alec shrugged, eying the other suspiciously. He was tall, even taller than him with kind green eyes, spiky black hair and a gorgeous grin. “Uh, okay. Whatever you have.” He nestled nervously with the collar of his black shirt. He suddenly felt underdressed when he compared his plain outfit to the distractingly tight trousers, colorful shirt and matching jacket the man was wearing. So instead of looking at the man – Warlock, as he realized, not that it mattered – he watched Izzy again, who seemed to have a splendid time. “Beautiful girl” the warlock announced, following his gaze. Alec looked pointedly at him. “Yes, she is. And she is my _sister_. And way too young for you.” The warlock just laughed. “I’m not trying to hit on _her,_ darling.” Alec felt himself blush. “I’m Magnus. Who are you?” To his surprise, Alec relaxed in the presence of Magnus. He was easy to talk to and he didn’t even mind the winks and flirty looks the other gave him, to the contrary, he really enjoyed them. He had suspected for a while that he was rather into boys than girls, but had never acted on it, the disgusted voice of his father always in his head. But his relationship with Robert was strained to nothingness anyway without Alec doing anything, therefore he figured it couldn’t get worse. So when Magnus brushed lightly with his thumb over his chin and leaned in, Alec stopped thinking for once and closed the gap between them, pressing his lips to the warlock’s. It was a nice kiss, soft and hot at the same time, Alec opened willingly his lips to let Magnus explore his mouth even further. It felt good, finally admitting that he had wanted that, but it felt utterly wrong nevertheless. He pulled away, leaving the warlock in surprise. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. It just feels wrong.” Alec blushed again, he hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, it was not the warlock’s fault. Magnus looked intensely at him. “My apologies if I overstepped. Does kissing a man feel wrong or is it just me?”

Alec’s blushed deepened. “There is no need to apologize. I wanted to kiss you. And it’s not a gender thing. It just reminded me of, I actually don’t know what it reminded me of. That I was supposed to kiss someone else?” His voice trailed off, the last part he said more to himself than to Magnus. He felt that strange sensation of being lost and missing something precious again. What was wrong with him?

***

Jonathan awoke with a start. It was not one of his usual nightmares, a mixture of father punishing him and a constant feeling of being a disappointment, what had awakened him. His chest hurt as if his heart was suddenly too big to fit in. He felt angry and – jealous. How the fuck could he be jealous? And why?

Without much thinking he stood up, slipping into his gear and heading for the training room. He had to let off some steam before he was able to face his fellow students and teachers again. It took him nearly an hour to calm down, hitting the punching back relentlessly till his knuckles started bleeding again. He had not bothered putting any kind of protection on. Sometimes the pain helped him feel grounded.

“Jonathan”. The blond looked up, startled. Once in a while he needed to remind himself that it was his name, it felt oddly strange when others called him that, as if it was not his real one. But he never remembered anyone calling him anything else. Jonathan wiped the sweat off his face and turned around. He was panting and felt the exhaustion settling in, a tiredness which was sipping right into his bones. It was early morning, not yet six and he had slept very little. “Look what we have here, worn-out and sweaty.” The cold smirk on the other boy’s face promised nothing good. And, of course, he was not alone. He was accompanied by three others, who grinned at him smugly and predatory. The fact that Jonathan was already tired clearly didn’t help. “What do you want?” he spat.

The smirk on the boy’s face even deepened. “I want you on your knees. Begging for me.” It took Jonathan only a second to realize what the words implied. He suddenly felt cold inside. “Never.” With that, he lunged forward, punching the other in the face. It was not a fair fight, four against one never was. In addition, they had brought weapons. They didn’t use the blades, but when a hilt crashed into Jonathan’s temple, he went down, black spots dancing before his eyes. But something inside him clung to consciousness, still trying to fight his way out, kicking furiously at his attackers. Secretly he whished he just blacked out, he knew what was to come and that it was inevitable. But darkness was not a mercy given to him, not yet anyway. He was fully awake when his trousers were yanked off him, two boys pressing his upper body down. The cool air on his exposed naked ass sent a shiver down his spine. He heard a belt unbuckling and a fly zipped down. He gulped hard, biting his lip so forcefully he could taste blood. He would not beg. The cruel voice from the leader sounded again. “Fuck, look at that ass. I bet I’m his first.” The boy patted Jonathan’s arse possessively before giving him two hard smacks. Jonathan’s eyes burned with humiliation and fear. He felt the blunt head of a cock at his entrance before the boy pushed into him with force. Jace really tried not to scream, but the pain was excruciating, he felt himself split open in half. The other just laughed and smacked his ass again, while thrusting into him relentlessly at a brutal pace. Tears were streaming down Jonathan’s face and he couldn’t help the sobs and yelps coming out of his mouth. But he was not begging. He felt himself withdrawing into himself, seeking an inner strength he knew he had. His soul was crying out for someone to help him, to protect him, to make the pain go away. The hazel eyes from his blurred memories and dreams appeared in front of him and he tried to get lost in the warmth of them, his heart trying desperately to find comfort. He screamed the name of an unknown boy into the twilight of the training room, unheard by his attackers. His soul reached out for something, someone, and for a short moment, he felt his soul connect, a brief flash of light before the pain pulled him into darkness again.

When they were done with him, they just left Jonathan on the cold and dirty training room, covered in sweat and tears; come and blood were dripping down his thighs. Slowly, he managed to stand up again and reach for his Stele. His legs shook, the pain was insufferable. But he needed to clean himself first, there was no way he would close his wounds with some part of _them_ still inside of him. Slowly, heavily limping, he made his way back to his room.

***

Alec squirmed in his sleep, his head tossing from side to side, incomprehensible words spilling from his mouth. Part of him tried desperately to wake up, the other part clung to the dream he was having. He knew he was needed somewhere, he knew that someone was waiting for him to be rescued. Therefore he needed to wake up, now! But the other half was stronger, the dream too intense to let go. He felt pain wash over his body, a burn building in his lower body unlike anything he had felt before. The feeling of being ripped apart made him clench his teeth so badly in his sleep he would feel it for days. But these were not the worst parts of the dream, the screams were worse. Much worse. He felt someone desperately reaching out to him, he heard a voice calling his name over and over again, even though the voice didn’t say his name, Alec knew that he was meant. His soul reacted instantly, trying to leave his body and bridging the gap to the voice, yelling at someone to stop and calming the pain in the voice at the same time. Very briefly, Alec’s eyes locked with the image of blue and golden eyes, his aching soul suddenly calm and joyful, before another wave of pain hit him again, leaving him breathless and sweaty on the verge of waking up.

He must have screamed himself, as when he woke up he felt two arms closing around his body, stroking gently his hair. “Izzy” he breathed, a sob escaping his mouth. He still felt the pain even though he knew there would be no wounds when he checked. There were never wounds, but there was always pain. So much pain.


	3. No Place for Dreams

Jonathan lay in his bed but he couldn’t sleep, his eyes and mind wide awake. He felt the soothing presence of his blade under the pillow, but even knowing it was there and he could draw it in a heartbeat didn’t allow him to relax enough for sleep to settle in. He could still feel their hands on him, their nails pressing into his flesh, leaving marks on his skin and soul. He had thrown up as much as he could, but the disgust he felt for himself rooted too deep to be spit out. He had let it happen, he had let them fuck him, use him like a toy. If his father were still alive, he would have been ashamed. And rightly so. He should have put the others in place while he still had the strength to do it, but he had been too distracted – and weakened – by his feelings, feelings he didn’t even know what they were truly about. So he had just let them have the upper hand. Sure they were more, but one-on-one he could beat everyone and he would find a way to make them pay. His father had been right all a long. He was weak, so fucking weak. He wiped furiously at his eyes, he was not going to cry. Self-pity helped no one and he was fully responsible for this mess.

Even Iratzes couldn’t heal him instantly. He even tried an Amissio rune, but still bruises were visible. His eyes were bloodshot and the area around his nose swollen and purple, the marks on his hips where they had hold him down black, their fingernails had imprinted on his skin. They might even scar. So he lay low for a couple of days, nursing his anger at himself but also the hatred towards the others. He heard whispers and he saw the smirks the others gave him, they even dared to gloat about what they had done. But they would regret it, he would make sure of it.

Every night he drank so much that he blacked out, but not before he had put several locking runes on his door to avoid unpleasant surprises. He had tried to sleep without alcohol but failed miserably. He couldn’t find the peace to fall asleep and when he did, he was hunted by nightmares, or, maybe even worse, by those brown hazel eyes who tried to reach out to him. But he would not let himself be distracted again. He might go crazy with all the feelings bottled up inside him and all the blurry memories, but not before he had his revenge.

His day came when he met the leader, Caleb, alone. Normally he was always surrounded by a crowd, but he had been sent to detention, without any of his followers to accompany him. Jonathan had waited patiently in front of the classroom, hidden in a corner. He let Caleb pass and waited a couple of steps before he followed him silently. He had activated all his runes, silencing rune, strength, stamina. Not that he planned to have a long fight, he aimed for quick, dirty and deadly. The boy was passing an empty classroom; Jonathan seized his chance and pushed him into it. He had already drawn his weapon and buried it deep into Caleb’s side, not aiming for a fatal blow but for a painful injury. He smirked as the other went down in pain. “Who is laughing now, huh?” he asked huskily, before he punched the other in the face. Without his fellow students to back him up, Caleb was not brave, not at all. Instead of fighting back, he lay there, whimpering and begging. Jace hoovered over him, his fist clenching his blade. One blow and the boy beneath him was dead. He deserved to be dead. He opened his palm and closed it again around the hilt, adjusting his grip slightly. He drew in a shaky breath, his eyes narrowing on the boy in front of him. One blow. But something inside him hold him back. No matter what a disgusting piece of shit the boy was, he couldn’t bring himself to kill the other cold bloodedly. “If you ever touch me again, if one of your friends ever touches me again, I’ll end you. Slowly. Painfully.” He plunged one finger inside the wound and twisted it, causing the other to yelp in pain. “Do you understand me?” The older boy nodded frantically. “I don’t hear you” Jonathan said coolly, twisting his finger again. “Yes, I understand” Caleb blurted out, his eyes wide in terror and pain. “Good.” Before he left the room, he wiped his fingers clean at the older boy’s gear and threw a Stele towards the whimpering boy.

Jonathan was not surprised when he was called to the director’s office a couple of days later. Not everyone shared his philosophy of dealing with things on his or her own, so most probably Caleb had blabbed. What surprised him was, that the director offered him something to drink, gesturing at a chair in front of his desk. Jonathan took a tentative sip, glaring at the other. The director, Mr. Cartwright, started with a general discussion how Jonathan had settled in – why did he care all out of a sudden – and other things like that. The blond looked at him suspiciously, his hands started to sweat lightly. He rubbed his hands on his trousers to dry them and once in a while he took a sip, trying to answer the questions as curt as possible without actually offending the man. Something was off. He swallowed the rest of the coke down, when Mr. Cartwright suddenly stood up and came around the desk, standing in front of Jonathan, an odd smile on his face. “How do you feel, Jonathan?” he asked with a raspy voice. Jace shook his head, suddenly his mind felt heavy and dizzy. “I want to….” His speech was slurry, he couldn’t remember what he wanted to say. The man in front of him seemed to zoom in and out, he couldn’t concentrate. He tried to stand up, he needed to get away, this much was still clear to him. But he was pushed back, two hands laid firmly on his chest, pressing him into his chair. “It’s okay Jonathan, stay. I will take good care of you.” The blond shook his head, trying to get up again, to scream to do anything. But all he could manage was a slurred “no”, he was not able to move, his body didn’t follow his command. His eyes widened when the older man unbuckled his belt. Jonathan tried to shake his head again, but even this was not longer possible. He was trapped in his own body, his mind still screamed for him to get away, but soon all he could feel was darkness claiming him again.

When he woke up, he was in his bed. His head hurt, as if he had drunken the whole night. But he didn’t remember drinking. When he moved he hissed in pain, he felt sore all over. But the worst feeling was the stickiness between his thighs, he knew what that meant, but he couldn’t remember anything. He looked down at his body, seeing dark purple marks on his inner thighs and fresh marks from nails on his hips. His thighs were coated in blood and come. A single tear slipped down his face. The last thing he remembered was being called to the director’s office. When he tried to get up, he realized several notes lying on his pillow, it must be at least 500 hundred bugs. More than the rest, this left Jonathan speech less. He just looked at the money in front of him, shaking his head in disbelief. But, in the end, he took the money.

Over the next days, fragments of the day came back to Jonathan, him pressed into the chair while Mr. Cartwright undressed him, him being bent over the desk, the older man pounding into him. But he couldn’t remember the whole thing, and maybe that was for the better. He hadn’t still spent the money, but he had kept it, feeling even more dirty than ever before. But he couldn’t help the idea settling in. He needed to get away from this place. To live on his own, he needed money. And making money seemed not that hard when he looked at the bills. Before he got fucked randomly he preferred to choose. To his conditions, to his price. He was drunken when he made the final decision to leave and never come back. But, in the end, when had he not been drunk since he got roofied?

***

Izzy stared at Alec in disbelief. Sometimes she wandered how stupid her brother could be. Apparently, his stupidity was endless. Yes, she also felt betrayed by their tutor Hodge’s latest action. Hodge had secretly worked with the evil Shadowhunter Valentine Morgenstern to plot against the Clave and take over the power in the Shadow World. Valentine stood for everything what the Lightwood siblings despised, and their tutor – second or maybe even first father to them – allying with him was hard to swallow. But why her brother had endangered his life to find him when he had flown from the Institute was beyond her. He had cast a complicated spell with the help of a Warlock and a bloodstone to track him. The procedure had left him unconscious, trapped in the middle of here and there. Neither the Silent Brothers nor the Warlock had been able to get him back. Izzy wanted to scream and punch Alec, how stupid could someone be? Instead, she called for help.

Over the last couple of weeks, Alec had befriended Magnus Bane, the Warlock from the party and one of the most powerful Warlocks alive. Maybe he could help, if not… well, she didn’t want to consider this right now, it simply was not an option. She needed her brother back.

Magnus worked his magic on Alec for several hours, but even his powerful magic couldn’t pull him out of his state of oblivion. Somehow he was trapped, not truly in the land of dead but also not able to enter the land of the living fully. Magnus felt the strong pull which should push Alec over – to the wrong side, he had to admit, towards death. Magnus could not reach Alec’s soul, as if the soul was already dead, but something inside the Shadowhunter clung stubbornly to life. Magnus had never experienced something like that before, except…. But this couldn’t be, he had checked Alec’s hip and there was no Parabatai rune and the raven boy had never mentioned having one.

He felt the concerned look burning into his back while he tried his best. His magic stabilized Alec, strengthening the bond with the living, but it was only buying time. They needed to find a possibility to pull him out of the trance, if he only knew how. “Isabelle.” The brunette was beside him within seconds. “It’s a weird question, but did Alexander have a Parabatai?” He quickly explained that he suspected that the tiny part which was still alive in Alec was not his own soul, but a piece of someone else’s which simply refused to let go. He had seen it with two other Shadowhunters, who had shared a special – corrupted, as the Clave would put it – bond. Will Herondale and James Carstairs. Magnus smiled at the memory, they had been dear friends. Their enhanced bond had allowed them to cheat death not only ones.

But Izzy just looked at him, her eyes wide and lost. There was no Parabatai, never had been one. But… what if? But what if there had been one and she just couldn’t remember? Suddenly Alec’s dreams, the pain he had felt which had been so real but never been his, the blurriness of the last years, it all made sense. She chewed on her bottom lip, considering the possibility. It sounded crazy, but many things in her life sounded crazy.

“Wait here, I need to check something.” With that, she was gone, heading straight for her mother’s office. If there had been an incident with altering memories, there would be a record of some kind.

She browsed through all old records, quickly piling them in different categories. Standard patrols she dismissed instantly, incidents with Vampires, Werewolves were of no interest. Everything with a Warlock involved was put to the side, she had to go through them, together with all reports pointing to foreign Shadowhunters lodging in the Institute. For once, she was thankful that her mother was an obedient soldier to the Clave and documented everything.

After several, exhausting and frustrating hours, Izzy found something. There was an invoice, issued to an unfamiliar Warlock called Ronan Strigo It was an unusual high amount of money, but the strangest thing was that the reason for issuing it was vague. Maryse was always very specific, but not in this case. Izzy checked the date when it was issued: shortly before the demon attack which caused their coma back then. She shook her head, the paper note shaking in her hand. When she tasted blood she realized that she was chewing her lip again, a habit she just couldn’t get rid of. After a quick research she found out that Ronan Strigo was an Irish Warlock, residing in a small cottage at the Irish coast. Never before and never after had he worked for the New York Institute. She carefully slipped the note into her gear before she started on the pile with Shadowhunters. The bundle was small, nothing compared to the ones with Downworlders. She began with the time around the date the invoice was written. There was one tiny document, which caught her attention. A transfer request for a Jace Wayland to Liverpool. She frowned, but at the name no bell rang. A quick search on the Intranet brought nothing up, it was as if the name didn’t exist. But it was all she got together with the name of the Warlock.

Unfortunately, Strigo was a dead end, a literal one. He had been killed some weeks ago. There was nothing left but the short note of Liverpool. Liverpool was a strange destination for a transfer, as it had no own Institute, but some digging revealed that one of the few Shadowhunter orphanages was located there.

As Alec’s state was unchanged critical, Izzy and Magnus decided to head straight for the orphanage. They didn’t have much of a plan, they hoped to find Jace, convince him to come to New York with them and reconnect with Alec, hoping this was enough to pull him out of his state. Which was a desperate plan, but Magnus felt Alec’s life energy slip away further and further. If they did nothing, the raven boy would die.

The Shadowhunters who run the orphanage were frustratingly unhelpful. They made their opinion of Downworlders in general and Magnus in particular more than clear and wouldn’t give away anything, emphasizing that they hadn’t lodged a _Jace_ Wayland. Their behavior was odd, to put it mildly, as if there was something to hide. Before Magnus could show them his not so nice side, he was not the Prince of Hell for nothing, Izzy nearly dragged him out of the orphanage. She had talked to some of the kids and one girl had revealed that there had been a boy, Jonathan Wayland, who appeared suddenly and disappeared just as sudden. Where to, she had no idea.

Thankfully, Magnus had friends in every city. It took him some time, but finally he found someone who knew some one who might have seen a Shadowhunter living on the streets, close to the main station. The description fitted the drawing the young girl at the orphanage had given them. Magnus heart sunk, the area around the main station was the infamous red-light district of the mundane city.

Once having clear directions, it didn’t take them long to find Jonathan – Jace – or whoever the boy really was. Magnus couldn’t help but think that the blond looked like an angel. A fallen one. He wore too tight leather pants, emphasizing the curve of his butt and his muscular thighs. Despite the chilly night, he wore nothing but a white, skintight muscle shirt, showing off his runes and defined body. His blond hair kept falling into his unusual eyes. He leaned at a wall, one foot resting on it, dragging lazily on a cigarette, watching the people hurrying past through heavy lidded eyes. The boy was high as a kite.

A man in his mid-forties approached Jonathan who tilted his head slightly while listening to the man. After one last drag he flipped the cigarette away, shrugged and started to follow the older man. Magnus pushed himself out of the trance he had been in while observing the boy and strolled towards him. With a wide grin he flashed his real cat eyes once at the mundane hissing with a warning undertone to get lost, immediately. The man didn’t need to be told twice, he looked as he had seen the devil in person, which came closer to the truth than he would have liked it. He took to his heels and ran.

“What the fuck, man?” Jonathan looked angrily at Magnus, clearly not pleased that the man had vanished. The blond swayed a little, but besides that and the unnatural wide blown pupils nothing gave away how far gone he was. “Jace” the warlock tried, smiling genuinely at the blond. The Shadowhunter glared back, biting his lip. Something stirred inside him when hearing that name, something which had been quite mute the last couple of days. He was not keen of waking it up. “Wrong dude, man. I don’t know anyone by that name.”

“Jonathan then” Magnus tried again. “Look, I just want to talk to you. Me and my friend over there” he waved in the general direction where Izzy stood, safely hidden under a glamour to be invisible to mundanes.

Jonathan took a step back. “I don’t do threesomes. I don’t do Warlocks in general.” He had some rules he followed. He preferred mundanes over magical beings, as with his runes which he made sure to activate before every job, he would be able to overpower anyone who might want to play by his own rules and not Jonathan’s. And for some reason he couldn’t really explain, he was specifically skeptical of Warlocks.

Magnus shook his head in denial. “You misunderstood me. I don’t want a threesome, I don’t want sex in general. I just want to talk to you.”

Jonathan frowned. “What would you want to talk about with someone like me? And who is your friend?” The blond had crossed his arms, still trying to seem relaxed, but Magnus could tell by the tense shoulder line that the boy was distressed. Suddenly Izzy appeared by his side. “I’m the friend. I’m Izzy.” She looked at Jonathan with an open but intense gaze, trying forcefully to remember him. The blond stared back. “You shouldn’t be here. That’s too dangerous for you, you’re way too young.” Jonathan had spoken without thinking. He was maybe as perplex as Izzy and Magnus at the amount of earnest protectiveness and care, which resonated with his words.

Magnus cocked an eyebrow. “And you are not too young for this?” The blond just huffed a little cheerless laugh. “Who cares how old I am as long as I present my arse nicely?” Magnus could hear the pain behind the blunt words, the same pain he saw in the mismatched eyes, even if the blond tried to hide it behind his cockiness and drugs. “Look, I don’t know what the man would have given you, but I can pay you double. We just want to talk to you, but here is not the right place for it.” Izzy locked eyes with him. “Please, it is really important” she added pleadingly. Jonathan looked at the brown eyes, which were oddly familiar. The eyes of his recurring dreams came to his mind, but they were different, similar, but not quite the same. He sighed. In the end, he agreed, not knowing if the money was pivotal or the pleading look of the girl. He just hoped he wouldn’t regret it.

Magnus conjured quickly a portal and the three of them stepped through, landing in Magnus’ loft in New York. Jonathan looked around suspiciously, he had never been in such a pompous surrounding.

“I want my money”, he said grumpily, trying to gain control over this unusual situation.

“Of course, please, sit down.” Magnus gestured to the wide couch, before pulling out some bills, which he placed before the young Shadowhunter.

“Why did you call me Jace?” the blond asked, accepting the money and pocketing it away. But he didn’t sit down, he strolled over to the window. Fuck, he needed a drink. Badly. Or something stronger. He tensed remarkably when he looked out of the window.

“What game are you playing? This is not even England anymore!” The prospect of being in an unknown city scared him. He had counted on his ability to overpower the Warlock and the girl if need be, but being trapped in god knows where would be a problem. Suddenly he really felt dizzy and alone.

“We are not playing any games. Please, sit down, let us explain. It is a crazy story, but we don’t want to harm you. We were looking for you, even if we didn’t know your name or anything else about you. Does Jace sound familiar to you?”

The blond shrugged, looking uncertain from one to the other. His hand trembled lightly, to hide it he clenched it into fists.

“Magnus, can I talk to you for a second? Alone?” Izzy’s voice cut through the air.

Magnus looked at the blond frowningly before he agreed. The blond smirked at him. “Don’t worry, I won’t run. I don’t even know in which fucking city I am. Do you have anything to drink?” Magnus waved at the bar. “Help yourself.”

“What is it?” the Warlock asked as soon as he was alone with Isabelle.

“This cannot be the right Shadowhunter. How can he be Alec’s Parabatai? He is clearly high on something, probably an alcoholic, he is a hooker by the angel. How can he be my brother’s Parabatai?” Isabelle paced up and down the guest bedroom they were in. Magnus stopped her in her tracks and pulled her gently towards him.

“Isabelle, look. You told me how lost you felt, how lost Alec felt often in the past, as if you were missing something essential in your life. But you two, you still had each other. That boy, he has nobody. No home. No parents. No siblings. No one. He is all alone. And if we were right, he had all those things, briefly at least. He had you as a little sister. He had Alec, his Parabatai and most probably his true love. And then this was ripped from him, leaving him alone in this god forsaken orphanage. Don’t judge by the state he is in now.”

Izzy looked at Magnus whith wide eyes. She hadn’t considered that. Slowly she nodded. “Sorry, you are right. Alec and me, we lived through it together. I’m sorry.”

When they returned in the living room, the boy seemed calmer. He had settled down on the sofa, a half empty drink in hand, which surely had helped soothing his nerves.

“This might sound crazy, but I always felt like Jonathan is not my right name. But I couldn’t remember any other. Fuck, I really don’t remember you” he nodded towards Izzy “but somehow I have the urge to protect you. And somehow I feel that I am that Jace you are talking about. The name just… seems to fit.”

Izzy nodded, sitting down on the opposite chair, facing Jace. She slowly started to explain what she and Magnus suspected. That Jace and Alec had been Parabatai but fallen in love. That the Clave had found out and punished them, severing the bond and erasing their memories. She told Jace about the dreams Alec had had, the phantom pain he had often felt, mostly at nights in his dreams, that Alec had had the feeling that someone was calling him, begging him to come to rescue someone. Both pretended to not see the single tear which run down the blond’s cheek at mentioning the pain and despair. Then Magnus took over and explained the state Alec was in and that he thought, that only the tiny part of Jace’s soul still connected the raven boy to life. They hopes Jace’s presence would call Alec’s soul back entirely.

“I’ve seen this with two other Shadowhunters, also Parabatai, also lovers. I think the bond between you and Alec was so strong that even erasing the rune didn’t destroy your bond completely. I think a tiny part of your soul is still in him and a tiny part of him inside you. I really hope that when you two connect in person again, you will be able to pull him out of his coma.”

Jace was silent for a while, wiping at his eyes. He was so tired, but as crazy as the story sounded, it made sense to him. It explained a lot. “Your Alec, does he have hazel eyes? Nearly the same color than yours, Izzy, but a shade lighter?” Izzy nodded, smiling sadly. Jace put his class down, standing up in the process. “Ok, let’s do this. What am I supposed to do?”

“Wait” Magnus interrupted him. “First, you’re still high.” With a wink of his hand he conjured a greyish looking potion. “Drink up, this will sober you. Second, you cannot go into the Institute. We suspect that their parents are in on whatever the Clave really did to you and therefore you cannot be seen. I will bring Alexander to you.”

Jace nodded, drinking dutifully the nasty liquid, which sobered him up instantly. He didn’t know if he liked that or not.

A few minutes later, Magnus appeared again, stepping through a portal carrying a tall, lean boy, who rested unmoving in Magnus’s arms. Way too lifeless for Jace’s liking. Gently the Warlock put the Shadowhunter down on the guest bed. Jace rose questioningly an eyebrow, but Magnus shook his head, shrugging.

Jace sighed and stepped nearer. He didn’t recognize the boy in front of him, but yet – he felt an instant pull towards the raven boy. As if in trance, he closed the distance and sat down on the bed, trailing the outline of Alec’s face with his thumb, caressing the deflect rune on his neck. Alec stirred a little under the touch. He interlined their fingers, bringing the hand to his mouth, kissing tenderly the knuckles, before he started to recite the oath, they presumably had said to each other, promising each other their life.

Entreat me not to leave thee,  
Or return from following after thee—  
For whither thou goest, I will go,  
And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.  
Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.  
Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.  
The Angel do so to me, and more also,  
If aught but death part thee and me.

When Jace said the last words, Alec’s eyelids started to flutter, his hand squeezing lightly the blond’s. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Jace gasped while staring in the warm hazel eyes from his dreams, which looked at him with surprise and confusion. Jace couldn’t do anything else but stare into them. Into his past. His present. His future.

“Alec!” Izzy’s scream pushed Jace out of his trance. All of a sudden, this – everything – was too much. He didn’t even remember the boy in front of him, still he was ready to pledge his life to him. “To love is to destroy.” The words rang lout in his head. It took all his willpower but he yanked his hand free and flew out of the room. He needed air. He needed time. He needed space. He definitely needed a drink. He really didn’t need this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading so far! I'm really curious what you think! comments and kudos are love 😊


	4. A Place to call Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the last two chapters were rather dark, I hope you'll like the update. No violance in here.

If they had thought that with finding Jace and saving Alec everything would take a good and easy turn, they had been clearly wrong. The fact that both boys felt utterly drawn to each other but neither could remember why was one thing. Jace’s insecurities, bad experiences and trust issues another. Alec’s upcoming 18th birthday added to the tension. If the two boys wanted to become Parabatai again, they needed to do it before that date. But how could you want to become Parabatai when you didn’t know the other? And how could you get to know your partner when the other refrained from telling anything out of fear of being rejected?

Alec groaned with frustration after another fruitless attempt to talk to the blond about things that actually mattered. All he got in return were cocky grins and snarky remarks, Jace never let his guard down enough to actually show any of the real Jace, which lay undoubtedly under the strong armor. Alec understood where Jace was coming from, at least partially. He had felt the echo of the pain and turmoil Jace had been put through over the years of their separation. But he was frustrated nevertheless. Maybe he should follow Izzy’s advice and bent the blond over and fuck him senseless. Not that Izzy had said that in so many graphic details, but the message had been clear. And maybe, she was right. Alec’s brain didn’t remember Jace, but his body and soul most definitely did. Alec had never been a bodily person, he had never had the urge to pat someone, to maintain physical contact constantly. Except with Jace. The need to touch him and be close to him, smell him, sense him in every way possible, would have been embarrassing and alarming if the other didn’t show the same pattern. Whenever Jace didn’t think too much, he leaned into Alec’s touches, ruffled Alec’s hair, retraced Alec’s deflect rune with his thumb, leaving Alec in a hot mess. Unfortunately, Jace did think too much too often, way too much most of the time – except when he drank too much, which was a problem of its own. Alec was not dumb, it was clear that the blond had a bunch of problems, but the glimpses he got of the real Jace – when he laughed carelessly at something Alec had said or bantered friendly with Magnus, a gleam in his eyes making him look as young as he actually was – made his heart ache for more of that. He knew that he was lost, lost to the boy who saved him, lost to the boy who carried a piece of his soul. But also lost how to move things further. He sighed with exhaustion; they really needed to do something.

“Jace, we need to talk” the blond looked up from the book he had been reading. He frowned, his guards up in an instant. Alec rolled his eyes. Here they were again. Magnus sat down beside the blond. “Alec’s birthday is coming up in about a week. If we want to establish the bond again, we need to do it soon.”

“But what if we don’t?” Jace sounded defensively. He didn’t look at either of them, staring at the opposite blank wall behind them. “Well, then of course we don’t need to do anything. But don’t you want your memories back? The bond to your soul mate?”

Of course Jace wanted that. Of course he didn’t. He was sure that when Alec saw himself, the real him, his real soul, he would dread the decision. How could someone love him like that? How could someone love him enough to trust him with one part of his soul and then even go further and love him for real? No one had ever loved him. Not like that. Not at all. It just would hurt.

They had the theory that once the Parabatai bond was established, the memories would come back as well. Magnus had done a lot of research, consulting with one of his friends, Jem Carstairs who was now a Silent Brother but once had been a Parabatai – and lover – himself. Their original idea had been to just renew the runes, but Jem considered it too dangerous. Their souls had been ripped apart once, the remaining part in their bodies smaller than normal. He had no idea what would happen if another piece was transferred, if the remaining soul was big enough to survive on its own.

“I could try to break the mind barrier, from there we could work on re-establishing the bond” Magnus said, looking intensely at Jace. Jace eyes widened in surprise and shock. He paled visibly, his hands shaking slightly. “Then try Alec.” Jace knew he sounded petulant, but there was no fucking way that he wanted the Warlock in his head. Anyone for that matter. Magnus voice was gentle, way too gentle for Jace’s liking. “I already tried Izzy, but with no luck. As you still share a link with Alec, it might be easier to brake. As for Alec, I fear he is too weak still. He nearly died, I don’t want to jeopardize his recovery.” Jace groaned. Of course it had to be him. He felt Alec’s hand on his knee, squeezing him reassuringly. “And I said that it’s not a problem, I’m fine. I can do it.”

“No.” Jace said it without hesitation. He really didn’t want Magnus inside of his head, but what he wanted even less was for Alec to get hurt. “Magnus is right. That’s too dangerous. What do I have to do?”

“Just try to relax. Try to let me in.” Jace nodded, his hands clenching mechanically. At least they were not shaking, not yet anyway. He felt Alec’s familiar arms wrapping around him, the taller boy had settled down behind him. “I’m here. It’s gonna be all right”, he whispered in the blond’s ear. Jace let out the breath he had been holding subconsciously. He rested his head at Alec’s shoulder, trying his best to really relax. With a curt nod towards Magnus he indicated that he was ready, as ready as he ever would be. He concentrated on the soothing feeling of Alec’s warm arms, the heat that radiated from their joint bodies, the steady breathing. He could do it.

Magnus bent forward, taking Jace’s head in his hands, looking steadily in his eyes. He concentrated hard, trying to invade the blond’s mind without harming him. Jace squirmed on his place, his breathing hitched. He felt Magnus penetrating him, it was an intrusive, unpleasant feeling. He didn’t want him there, he wanted him gone. But he held still. He could do it. For Alec.

Magnus mind was now interlined with Jace’s, he paced through his brain, trying not to look at the existing memories. He knew he was not wanted here and it was not his place to look at them. The images were not so hard to avoid, what was way more difficult were the noises. The tiny gapses of pain, the “no’s” echoing throughout the place, the screams, the pleads. But it was also not Magnus’ place to listen. He moved forward, deeper inside Jace’s brain where the memories became blurrier and more unclear. He knew he wasn’t far away. Then there he was. In front of him was a dark wall, consisting of massive black stones. It was the same wall he had seen in Izzy’s brain. But unlike Izzy’s, the wall showed small cracks, tiny holes where light shone through. Magnus smiled, he hoped the cracks were big enough for him to tear the entire wall down.

Jace really tried to stay calm. He had no idea what Magnus was doing inside of him, the only thing he knew that he was really inside his mind. The Warlock could see everything which he wanted keep buried. Very distantly he heard Alec’s soothing voice, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. He tried to concentrate on that, he tried to synch his breathing with Alec’s. And maybe, it would have worked. If not Magnus had shortly lost control of his Warlock mark, beautiful yellow cat eyes. But the effort to pierce the solid wall was so big, Magnus’ normally flawless guard dropped and he flashed his eyes briefly at Jace. At the sight, Jace panicked. He jerked his head back, trying desperately to get away from Magnus, from the grip which didn’t felt calming anymore but like a prison. His mind was flooded with painful images, images of Shadowhunters pressing him down, holding his head in place and animal eyes – cat eyes, no, snake eyes – coming closer, sucking memories from his mind. He screamed in pain and fear, kicking and punching without minding who he hit or what. He just wanted to get away.

Magnus felt the panic, the rushing of images and quickly pulled away. First he had no idea what caused it, but as soon as he saw the snake eyes in Jace’s mind it became clear to him. And he could kick himself for not thinking of it. The Warlock who was responsible for the erasing had had a very similar Warlock mark to his own. When he was fully in his own body again, he looked at the boy in front of him, who was trying desperately to get away from the embrace he was held in. Magnus was glad that he hadn’t damaged the blond’s brain, the unexpected sharp movements had been a great risk. And he felt guilty. Jace’s face was covered in tears, pain written all over it. The blond had trusted him, and he had failed – unknowingly and involuntarily, but he had.

“Get away from me” Jace hissed through gritted teeth. “Leave me alone.” Magnus held his hand up to show that he was no threat, but didn’t move. He feared that if he left now, the blond would be gone for ever.

Alec had loosened his grip, but didn’t let go. “Jace” he said desperately, “please, calm down. Please, it’s me. It’s ok.” Jace looked at him, with wide feral eyes. “Sh, breath with me. Breath in. Breath out. That’s it. Breath with me. Come on, Jace. You can do it. Yes, that’s it.” The soothing words calmed Jace enough to follow them. Slowly he let himself sack against Alec’s chest, breathing to Alec’s soft voice, for once he allowed his tears free rein. He had failed Alec. Again, he had been too weak.

Neither of them suggested a second try. But they were running out of options. After the incident, Jace drew back further, if this was possible. Alec had no idea how to reach him. He felt that Jace blamed himself for the failure, but that wasn’t true. It had been no ones fault. Sometimes Alec wandered if it was really worth it, maybe it would be better to just let the memories go and live on. He was certain they would fall again for each other, he knew he was Jace’s, always had been. And with time, he was certain the other would feel this way again.

Magnus watched the dance of the boys with a heavy heart. He blamed himself for the disaster with the mind barrier. He suspected that there was another chance for the boys to re-establish their bond, but it was not something he could really voice. As the Parabatai bond deepened with physical love, there was the possibility that the bond would establish itself during or after sex. But he couldn’t just tell the boys to shag, could he? They didn’t even know what they felt for each other. He had told Izzy about his assumptions and she just snorted. “I’ve told Alec that a couple of days back. Magical healing sex. Every one knows it exists.” A smile tugged on Magnus’ lips. “But what about the Parabatai curse?” Izzy questioned.

Magnus sighed. “There is no curse, Isabelle. The bond deepens when they become lovers, yes. They have advanced skills, runes work better for them for instance. They can survive in cases others die. But there is no turning into huge giants or something like that. It’s just something the Clave invented to keep their warriors in check.” Isabelle chewed on her lip. “So what now?” “I fear there is nothing we can really do, Izzy. We cannot force them to have sex. I think they just have to find themselves again. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. It’s up to them. But I think they will sort it out. Their souls are still one, even if in a different way than before.”

***

Jace looked at the scenery in front of him. Izzy lay curled up on Alec’s side, her head in his lap, laughing at something he had said. Magnus was sitting opposite of them, laughing with them, a content smile playing on his lips. No one was looking at him. And why should they. Instead of pushing the door wider open and joining them, Jace retreated silently. He hesitated shortly but then decided to leave the jacket Magnus had given him behind. He just took the money he had received on their first day together, when all this mess had started.

In the first liquor shop he didn’t get lucky, they wanted to see his ID – ID, Jace had to stifle a laugh. Since when did Shadowhunters need an ID? In the second he didn’t bother with buying, he just glamoured himself and took what he wanted. He briefly considered buying something stronger, real drugs, but then, he had no idea where to go to in this city. The vodka had to do. The first few mouthfuls tasted awful, but he welcomed the burn in his throat which spread warmingly towards his belly, not quite chasing away the coldness he felt in his bones but smoothing it anyway. 

Alec clearly didn’t need him, he was way better off without him. He had a sister who loved him, he had friends – why would he need someone like him in his life? He took another deep swig of the colorless liquor. After half the bottle he didn’t feel the burn anymore. He didn’t even know who he was, so why would anyone be keen on establishing a bond with him, a lifelong one at that? A sad laugh escaped his mouth. No one in his right mind.

“Hey pretty boy, how much?” Jace’s head jerked up, trying to figure out where the voice had come from. “What?” he asked confused, standing up but needing the wall behind him to stabilize him.

“Oh com one, pretty boy, don’t play dumb. I know a whore when I see one. How much for a blow job?” The man in front of him looked shabby, worn-out clothes and greasy hair which definitely needed a shower. But he was right, wasn’t he? That’s what he was. A fucking hooker. Before he could answer, he felt a strong hand curl around his shoulder.

“Get lost”. Magnus tone was even and calm, but sounded all the more threatening. The man didn’t need another invitation. He got lost. Jace spun around, glaring at the Warlock. “What are you doing here?” His hand was still holding the bottle tightly. Magnus looked at him, a pained expression in his eyes.

“I think you had enough of that” he nodded towards the bottle. Jace shook stubbornly his head.

“I’m just getting started.”

Magnus sighed. “All right then.” He sat down, looking expectantly at the blond. Jace stood there for a moment, clearly at a loss what to do. Before he really knew what he was doing, he sat back down, next to Magnus.

“Would you have gone with him?” Magnus tone was conversational, not judgmental. The blond just shrugged. Maybe. Maybe not. What did it matter?

“I know what you are doing here.” Magnus went on, reaching for the bottle in Jace’s hand, taking a sip himself.

“And what would that be? Enlighten me.” Jace gave back, staring defensively at the taller man.

“You are hurting yourself before someone else can hurt you.” Jace just huffed. What was he supposed to say to that? For once, he forgot all snarky remarks, the statement was much closer to the truth than he would dare to admit.

“What would you know about that?” The blond’s voice was barely audible.

“More than I like to confess.”

“Of course you do.” Jace sounded not convinced. “And what was the lowest point in your life? When you ran out of glitter?”

Magnus couldn’t help the laugh, but he got serious again soon. He really liked that boy. “In deed, that was one blow. Imagine, having not enough glitter? But I think it was the time I stood on a bridge, drunken, even more than you now, drowning in my sorrows and guilt for my mother’s suicide. She killed herself because of me being me. I just had to jump to drown all of that together with me. I had already climbed over the reeling, all I had to do was let go.” Magnus stared at a point behind Jace, not looking at him directly, lost in thoughts. Only very few people knew about this time of his life. A tentative touch to his cheek brought him back in the present. Two sympathetic eyes looked at him with concern.

“Why didn’t you?” Jace whispered, his hand still on Magnus’s face. Magnus laughed a little.

“I don’t know actually. I stood there for a while, looking down into the river. It would have been so easy. Just letting go. But then, I realized that easy had never been an option for me.”

“Do you regret it sometimes?”

“Not killing me? No.” Magnus shook his head vehemently.

“Your mother has no right to blame her weakness on you. You know that, Magnus right? Besides, you are pretty amazing.”

Magnus smiled genuinely at the blond. “I know. But sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of that. Thank you. And you’re a real sap.”

“Fuck you, Magnus” Jace gave back, but without any heat in his voice.

“Well, if you think that helps….” Jace couldn’t suppress the laugh which started in his belly.

“You know, I think I quite like you. So you mean I should get my pathetic self of my metaphorical bridge and get on with my life?”

Magnus looked at him with a warm expression in his eyes, the intensity of it making the young boy look away.

“I don’t think you’re pathetic, Jace. And I understand that this is all difficult. I really didn’t mean to prey when I was inside your mind, but I saw and heard fragments of what you’ve been through. What you’ve endured and survived, far more than anyone should, especially being alone and young as you are. The fact that you are still here shows what kind of person you are Jace. You will have to deal with your past, and you will, I’m sure of it. I understand that you feel somehow inferior. But believe me, I’m the last person to judge.” He saw the way Jace looked at him and then quickly away. “And Alec is also not someone to judge.”

“But why would he want me? I mean, obviously he chose me back then for whatever reasons. But now? Why should he ever choose me again? He doesn’t need me. He deserves someone better. Why should he? You know what they used to call me when I was new in the orphanage? The best Shadowhunter of my generation. That was what I used to be. That was what Alec chose. Not that.” He gestured at him and the bottle. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” The desperation and self-mockery was clear in his voice.

“Isn’t that something Alec should decide for himself? Running away and deaden your feelings doesn’t help. I know you’re strong Jace. I know you’re brave. Come on, let’s be brave one more time and come back home with me.”

Home. Jace sighed in defeat. He didn’t even know what that word meant. He never had had a home. At least not that he fucking remembered. But he let the Warlock pull him up and shove him through the portal which Magnus conjured easily.

Jace was more drunken than he would like to admit. The talk with Magnus had helped, but he still felt so insecure inside, so lost. He knew what he wanted, and that was Alec. He felt a longing so deep inside him, there was no room for something else. But at the same time, he felt so empty, the attempt of botteling up his feelings leaving him exhausted. When he landed in the living room, he felt a bit foggy and hold out a hand to stabilize himself. The hand landed on Magnus collar. Jace looked up, getting lost for a moment in the green warmness. “Magnus” he breathed huskily “Fuck me. Hurt me. Just make me feel something.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the Warlocks. Tenderly, Magnus pushed Jace back, disentangling his hand form his shirt. When Magnus looked up, he saw Alec leaning in the doorway, a frown on his face, hurt washing shortly over his gaze before his expression went blank. From here, everything could have gone sideways, even more sideways than before. But, finally, eventually, the “ifs” were on their side. Alec would have turned and gone away, hurt beyond repair and with the very wrong impression stuck in his mind, if Magnus had not called him back with a firm voice and a pleading look. “Alexander, please. You’re Parabatai needs you.”

Alec stepped tentatively forward towards the two. Jace had turned to face him, looking small and lost. Magnus gave him a soft push, which made the blond stumble towards his Parabatai. Magnus left the room quietly, hoping the boys would sort it out.

“I’m sorry, Alec. I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry. You should go.” He felt the world slightly spinning, he definitely should have gone easier on the damn vodka. He definitely shouldn’t have tried to kiss Magnus. Well, too late for either.

“And where would I go?” Alec interrupted his line of thoughts. “Drowning my misery in – what is it? Vodka?”

Jace frowned, looking absentmindedly at the bottle he was still clutching. “What misery?”

They stood close to each other. Too close. Not close enough. Alec looked down on him with an unreadable expression in his eyes. Jace hated how he had to tilt his head to look him directly in his eyes. Loved it.

“The misery that my supposed to be Parabatai and supposed to be great love runs off and tries to kiss another man. That he doesn’t care enough to try to get to know me again and see if we work again. That misery.”

Jace bit his lip, forcefully. “Why would you want to get to know me? You see what I am, you don’t need someone like me. You know what I am.”

“Leave what I need and what I don’t need up to me, please. And what is it that you are?”

“I’m a fucking whore!” Rage was suddenly urging through Jace’s body. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone, why did they want to tease him and then let him down eventually, more hurt and broken than ever before? Jace felt a firm grip on his chin, lifting his head until he was forced to meet Alec’s stern gaze.

“That’s not who you are Jace. That’s what you did. But not who you are.”

“Then what I am?” Jace voice was nearly inaudible.

“A Shadowhunter. A survivor. Everything you want to be. Mine.” The last bit was even harder to hear than Jace’s question, if this was possible. Jace stood there, rooted to the spot, looking up in the hazel eyes of his dreams. “Yours” he whispered back. And then, Alec kissed Jace. His hand found its way into the blond’s hair, pulling him closer until there was no space between them, the bottle falling unnoticed to the ground when Jace wrapped his arms around Alec’s broad shoulders. The kiss tasted incredible, like sunshine, like moonlight, like home. Jace moaned into the kiss, not bothering to get embarrassed. Finally, he felt like he was exactly where he was supposed to be.


	5. A Place for Vengeance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For OliviaLuzia, hope you like it!
> 
> *non-explicit torture scene at the end of the chapter*

It felt like their kiss lasted forever and not long enough. When Alec finally drew back to catch his breath, Jace nearly lost his balance, he was still a bit drunk. Okay, he was still really drunk, but not only drunk from alcohol but also drunk from the feeling which spread like fire through his body. He felt like he belonged somewhere, a feeling he had missed since his father’s death and when he was honest even before then.

Jace felt Alec’s lips again on his, the smile which lay beneath it making his heart jump. It was a soft kiss, loving and careful. Alec kissed his way towards Jace’s ear, humming softly. When he felt the blond sway a little, he whispered gently. “Let’s get you to bed.” Bed sounded like a great idea in Jace’s mind. He let himself be dragged after the taller boy, following him in Alec’s room without hesitation. It should feel strange or awkward, but it was the opposite. It felt familiar, like they had done this a million times, which they probably had. Without further ado, Jace stripped to his boxers and crawled under the blanket. When he felt Alec’s hot gaze on him, he blushed suddenly. “What?” he asked briskly. Alec just smiled, not taking the bait. “Nothing, you just look gorgeous.” The earnest in Alec’s voice soothed Jace’s nerves. “You mean I look absolutely handsome in a manly way. I’m not gorgeous.”

Alec bit his lip but couldn’t help but laugh at the indignant words. “No, I mean gorgeous.” Before Jace could protest again, Alec joined him in bed and silenced him with a kiss. “I’ve missed you” Alec said, tracing Jace’s jawline with his fingertips. “Even if I didn’t know it, I’ve missed you.” “I’ve missed you, too. And the strange thing is, shouldn’t it be stranger? Laying here with you I mean. But it just feels like the most normal thing to do. Oh, damn it, I don’t make sense.”

“Yes you do, Jace. I know what you mean.” This time it was Jace who closed the small gap between them and kissed Alec, slowly, sloppy, thoroughly.

When they woke up the next day, it was already late morning, rays of sunshine flooding the room. They still lay as they had fallen asleep, interlined, seeking as much body contact as possible. “Morning” Jace mumbled sleepily, not being able to open his eyes fully yet, a slight pounding in his right temple reminding him that he had had his fair share of vodka. “Morning” Alec sounded way more vital. He smiled at the blond before pulling him in for a kiss. He grimaced and drew back instantly. “Geez, you really should shower and brush your teeth.” Jace just laughed, a genuine, open hearted laugh which lit up the whole room. He threw his pillow at Alec but stood up dutifully, he could do with a shower and a fresh taste. When he saw the grey drink standing next to the bed, he smiled. It definitely had its perks to live with a warlock. He downed it and immediately felt better, the pounding headache gone in an instant. He really had to thank Magnus, not just for that but for everything else.

Jace emerged from the bathroom, his hair still wet and single water drops still lingering on his body. On his well-defined body, as Alec had to state. He must have stared, because Jace smirked at him, raising one eyebrow. “Like what you see?”

“Very much in deed. In a very manly way.” Jace laughed again his infectious laugh; to which Alec could get addicted. But after the short outbreak a more guarded look replaced the openness. He sat down beside Alec. “What’s up?” Alec asked softly. The blond bit his lips, sucking at them unconsciously. “Are you really certain you want this Alec?”

Alec looked at him in earnest. “If you mean with _this_ you and me, yes, I want that. Even if my mind doesn’t remember you, my heart does. My soul does. Your soul saved me, Jace, I would be dead without you. We’ve chosen to become Parabatai, and I don’t think we made a rash decision back then. I always think things through. But I don’t think we should chase the bond now. I think we should just be, and see where it leads us. We are still bonded in a way and that is good enough for me.” Jace looked at him, a little smile tugged on his lips.

“Let’s make new memories instead of hurting ourselves trying to get the old ones back.”

“Sounds like a deal” Alec hummed approvingly.

“You saved me too, by the way, Alec. In the orphanage, there was a group of kids who bullied me…” he gulped, his voice breaking a little. He had lowered his gaze, not able to look the other in the eyes.

“Bullied…?” Alec traced the five finger shaped scars on each side of Jace’s hips with his fingertips, bending down and kissing them lightly before he looked up again. “I felt it. I know what they did. I’m so sorry Jace. You screamed for me and I didn’t come.” The blond shook his head. “How could you? You didn’t even know that I existed. But for a brief moment, I felt you. There was such a bright light…” He blinked feverishly, he didn’t want to cry. He was not ready for this talk, but sitting here with Alec, feeling his calm presence, he knew he would be. Some day. “What I actually wanted to say is, that one day I sought revenge. Their leader was alone for once and I really wanted to kill him.”

“But you didn’t?” Alec’s voice was still soft.

“No. It was one blow, it would have been so easy. But something inside me – you – hold me back. And I’m glad you did. It wouldn’t have been right.”

“Sounds like me.” Alec chuckled lightly. “I tend to play by the rules.”

“Always?” Jace teased lightly, glad the mood had changed.

“Apparently not, at least when it comes to you.” Alec said in a low and seductive voice, before he brushed his lips against the blond’s, sucking lightly on Jace’s bottom lip. The small gasp which escaped Jace’s mouth made Alec smile and gave him the opportunity to slip his tongue inside the other’s mouth.

A tentative knock interrupted them. Magnus’ voice sounded through the door. “Breakfast, boys?” Both hummed contently their approval.

Izzy was already sitting on the large table, sipping her café latte. She smiled openly at the two boys, a knowing smirk hiding in the corner of her eyes.

“Can I help you?” Jace looked at Magnus and followed him into the kitchen.

“You know I don’t actually need help?” Magnus waved his hands, blue magic sparkling on his fingertips.

“I just wanted to thank you. For the sobering potion and what you did yesterday. I.. you really helped me.”

“Don’t mention it, darling.”

“And you know, if you ever need to talk about the bridge thing, I’m here. I won’t tell your story to others, but if you need someone…”

Their eyes locked and for a brief moment Magnus’s cat eyes appeared, this time Jace didn’t freak out. “Thank you Jace. And you know I’m here for you.”

Alec’s 18th birthday came and went by without anything spectacular happening. But slowly, their bond deepened again, if it was because of their emotional closeness or physical, neither of them could say. But the connection between them grew stronger with every day. At the beginning it were rather random feelings they caught from each other, most of the time the strong, overwhelming once or when the other got injured in a fight. With time, they were able to push emotions towards the other, to let the other know they were all right, for example. Eventually, they were even able to send reassuring or calming feelings through it. As they had no real comparison, they didn’t know if it was the way Parabatai bonds worked, but neither cared. Runes applied by the other had much more energy, when they fought next to the other they fought as one entity, there was no need for words anymore, they just knew what move the other would make next.

With the bond strengthening, part of their memories came back. Just glimpses, often rather a feeling than a real, clear memory, but nevertheless they cherished them. They also had realized that a lot memories were altered in a similar way. When Izzy, Alec and Jace compared their first solo missions, it became soon clear that in reality they must have been out together, as it had been the same demon species, the same setting, the same killing move. Like that, they discovered several things.

At the beginning, Alec and Izzy had hidden Jace from their parents. But Jace was too restless and too energetic to stay in Magnus’ loft forever. When Alec had turned 18 and was now legally an adult in the Shadow World, the siblings confronted their parents. A tiny part of Alec had hoped for remorse, at least to some extent, but there was none. When he looked in the cold eyes of his parents who justified their actions with empty phrases of “for your own good. Not natural. A crime. Not meant to be” and the liking, he knew he was done with them, once and for all. He had always hoped to follow his mother in her footsteps and lead the Institute one day, but this was gone. He despised her and his father for what they had done to him, Izzy and Jace. Thankfully, Izzy had discovered some interesting facts about their parents while digging through Maryse’s paperwork. They had both been part of the Circle, the Shadowhunter association which had plotted against the Clave. Alec didn’t think twice to use the evidence as blackmail, making it clear that if any of them ever came near him, Izzy or Jace he would not hesitate to expose them immediately, burring every political ambitions the Lightwoods had.

They moved in Magnus’ loft, which was not a permanent solution but would do for the beginning. Most often, they had a great time. Jace relaxed more with every day, trusting the others a little more to really want him around, to not throw him away. Bit by bit, he let his guard down. And Alec loved every part of Jace he discovered, even his dark sides, which belonged to him as much as the light. They had good times, where the four of them shared a meal, laughing carelessly at some jokes only the group understood, Jace teasing Izzy as a big brother would, the three of them making fun of Alec’s nonexistent dancing abilities. Sometimes, they just were and it was enough.

Then there were the other times, were the dark shadows, which seemed to linger always right at the corner of their happiness, took over. It were the times were Jace looked far gone, a hooded and broken look in his eyes, sometimes sober, often drunken. They had tried to stash away the alcohol, Magnus even had banished all from his loft, but there was nothing you could do when someone just needed to use a glamour to get his hands on the stuff.

Jace had stopped asking the question why Alec wanted him, when he was in this kind of state, the always same answer – because I love you, because you are worth it – seemed to have rang through at least, even though Alec sometimes wandered if Jace really believed him or was just tired of asking the same and hearing the same. There was nothing much the three of them could do, besides staying with him, listening to him when he shared moments of his horrific past, which he seemed not able to share sober.

Alec’s heart hammered in his chest, he knew it was one of those days when he returned to the loft. He had not been able to reach Magnus or Izzy and he had been in a damn demon fight, when he had felt an unease swiping over through their bond, escalating in a nothingness. Drugs and alcohol always muted their connection. By the time Alec had defeated the demon and had sent it back to hell, Jace was already wasted. When Alec stormed into the loft, he panicked quickly before he saw the small figure hunched on the balcony in the freezing November air, dressed only with a thin hoody.

“Jace” he said soothingly as someone would address a scared kitten. The blond looked up, his pupils – and brain – taking a moment to adjust to the new situation. “Alec” he whispered back, barely understandable as his lips were already blue and numb from the cold. “Come one baby, let’s go inside. It’s freezing.” When Jace didn’t react, Alec just sighed and kneeled beside his Parabatai, drawing a warming rune on his belly, before he gently pulled Jace up and let him inside. Thankfully the blond was not resisting.

The rune served its purpose, when they settled on the couch, Jace lips had turned pink again and the small shiver from his body had vanished. Alec cupped his chin lightly, brushing his fingers over the sharp jawline. When Jace leaned into the touch, Alec couldn’t suppress the sigh of relieve. Sometimes Jace hated being touched, which Alec of course accepted, but these were the worst days. Alec knew it would do nothing good to rush Jace know. Either the blond wanted to talk or he didn’t, nothing would change that. Suddenly Jace stood up, wiggling himself out of his Parabatai’s hold. “What are you doing?”

“Getting another drink.”

“I think you already had enough.” Alec wasn’t able to stop himself. The retort came as expected.

“Stop fucking patronizing me.” Jace glared at his lover, a heated look in his slightly glazed over eyes. Alec glared back, holding the gaze steadily, ready to apologize, but before he could do so, Jace closed his eyes in dismay. “I’m sorry, Alec, it’s just…” his voice trailed away, but he came back to the couch, resting his head on the raven boy’s lap. “Rough day” he continued, clearly not saying what he had been about a few seconds earlier. Alec just hummed, stroking his Parabatai’s hair, massaging his scalp lightly. Patience really was a virtue he had started to learn. The door to the living room opened soundlessly and Magnus perked in, raising a question eyebrow towards Alec, who nodded. Magnus slipped in, sitting down on the other side of Jace and taking his feet in his lap. Jace just looked up for a second, smiling and shaking his head slightly. He would never admit it, but he loved the cuddling.

“Did you know that there is a new Shadowhunter at the Institute? Cartwright?” A small shiver run through his body when mentioning the name. Not that the Shadowhunter had anything to do with the other, but the name alone had made Jace freeze inside. Alec locked briefly eyes with Magnus, this was an odd question to ask right now. Both shook their head. Jace chewed on his bottom lip, fighting with himself if he should go on. The gentle strokes helped him relax, but he still felt the fear in his bones, a fear he had thought was gone, a fear he was afraid of admitting. “It just reminded me of another Cartwright…” Alec made sure to keep his hands moving at the same comforting pace, he knew they were getting closer. Magnus’ eyes widened a little, he remembered a Cartwright now, if he was not mistaken it was the unpleasant director of Jace’s former orphanage. Jace closed briefly his eyes and when he opened them again, he seemed far gone, encaged in his own world. But he started talking. Both Alec and Magnus knew about the other kids, but Jace had never talked about Cartwright. Once started, Jace told them the whole story. That he had been called to the director’s office, had been offered a drink, the horror of not being able to move because of the drug he had been given, the waking up in bed, covered in bodily fluids and shame, finding and accepting the money. Magnus’s mouth was pressed in a thin line, his eyebrows furrowed in an angry line. But he suppressed the anger, he had to let the young boy finish. But he was furious. He was enraged. As was Alec. Both men stared at each other in a mutual understanding. “It was not your fault” Alec looked Jace directly in his mismatched eyes. The blond looked away, nodding. “I know” he said weakly. But Alec would have none of that. Tenderly, but still firmly, he gripped his lover’s chin and forced him to look at him again. “It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.” Jace looked and maybe to his own surprise as much as Alec’s, the stern words seemed to settle in. Silent tears were rushing down his face when he whispered, quietly but still strongly, “I know. I really do.”

Jace was asleep, passed out from the alcohol and the mental exhaustion. Alec and Magnus just looked at each other, both still furious. “I will take care of this.” Magnus stood up, his usually blue magic sparkling in an angry red at his fingertips. “I come with you, Magnus.” But Magnus shook his head. “No Alexander, you need to look after him. You have to be here in case he wakes up. Besides, I’m absolutely capable of taking care of one little shitty Shadowhunter myself. I can be my father’s son if I need to be.” Alec stopped arguing, he knew Magnus points were valid. As much as he wanted revenge, as much he knew that Jace came first. “Do you think that will help Jace?” Magnus laughed dryly. “No. It won’t. But it will help me.” His cat eyes flashed angrily, his magic boiling in his veins. “I will make sure that he never touches any child again. Any person for that matter. He will pay for what he did.” Alec nodded in agreement. “Make it slow.” A cruel smile played on Magnus’s lips. Before he conjured a portal to head to Liverpool, Alec handed him several seraph blades, just in case. As Magnus’ father was the Prince of Hell, a fallen Angel at that, seraph blades lit up for him as precise as for any Shadowhunter.

Preaching the wards of an orphanage was not as difficult as preaching the wards of an Institute, as the standards were lower. Preaching the wards of an orphanage where you knew the Warlock who had created the wards and offered you advice was a piece of cake, especially for a Warlock who was as powerful and pissed off as Magnus. Actually, pissed off didn’t quite cover Magnus’ feelings, he felt enraged and inflamed. The broken look in Jace’s eyes when he told the story would certainly hunt him. No adult trusted with the well-being of kids should ever do this to a child. Magnus was sure that Jace had not been the only one, but he would make sure that this ended now.

He sat in the director’s chair, playing absentmindedly with one of the blades Alec had given him. When he heard the door open he tensed, his magic curling ready under his skin. While the man entered the dark room, Magnus spun in his chair, facing his opponent with a deadly glare in his yellow cat eyes. He didn’t bother with hiding his mark, not this time. The other should see with whom he was dealing. With a wink of his wrist the door closed with a loud _thud_ , a locking and silencing spell right in place. There would be no one disturbing them the whole night.

“What the…” but before the director could finish his sentence, Magnus had already pushed him in the guest chair with his magic, binding him tightly to it. Magnus hadn’t even gotten out of his own chair. “Mr. Cartwright. I would say it is a pleasure to see you again, but that would be lying.” Magnus’ cold words could barely hide his rage. The Shadowhunter gritted his teeth, but couldn’t hide the shiver running through his body. “What do you want, Warlock?” he spat.

Magnus leaned forward. “That is easy. I want you. I want to hear you scream in agony and beg for mercy, but, spoiler alert, you won’t get it. I’ve been told that you like to roofy your victims, so that they are unconscious and don’t remember much. I, to the contrary, want you to feel everything I’m doing to you and you will remember everything. And there will be a lot to remember.”

Magnus had finally stood up and surrounded the desk, which separated the two man. He hoovered over the Shadowhunter, looking at him thoughtfully, contemplating what to do first. He had a lot of time and a lot things he’d liked to do. Beads of sweat ran over Michael Cartwright’s forehead. His hands were shaking slightly, eyes wide in shock and fear. He fought against the magical bindings, but the red magic only curled tighter around his wrists and upper body, holding him in place. “Ts, ts, if you think you can fight your way out of here you are clearly mistaken. You belong to me now and I’ll do just as I please with you.” Magnus noticed the desperate glance Michael threw towards the door. “Don’t bother looking. There will be no one coming. There is no one who will rescue you.”

With that, he flicked his hand again, ripping Michaels shirt apart, exposing bare, unscratched skin. When Magnus would be done with him, there would not be much skin left. He smirked, fidgeting the blade in his hand. Then he started his work. And Michael Cartwright started to scream.

A couple of hours later, Magnus had to bring back Michael several times back into consciousness, Magnus’ rage had subdued. The man in front of him hang in his vessels, not able to move anymore and barely able to scream. “As pitty as it is, all good things come to an end. But there is one thing I’d like to make clear.” He yanked the director’s head back so that he had to meet his gaze. “You will never touch a child again. Never. You will never touch a man again. Or a woman. Anyone. You are being watched. If I just hear that you have approached someone, this night will look like a pajama party in retrospect. Am I clear?” The other man pressed his eyes shut but the “yes” came in an instant. “I will do one last thing, to help you remember what we agreed on.”

He looked thoughtfully at the already bloody blades in front of him, choosing his weapon carefully. He infused some magic into it, dark magic which he normally wouldn’t use. But special times needed special measures. He kneeled in front of Michael and started to cut. He made sure that the cuts were deep enough to hurt and scar. He looked at the blood drops which ran over the man’s already tortured chest, a satisfied grin playing on his lips. The magic would prevent any rune from working, there was now way Cartwright would be able to get rid of the scars. Besides, the magic would notify Magnus if their agreement was broken. When he was done, he stood up and looked approvingly on his handy work. Then he turned the chair, so that the director faced the door. Whoever would find him in the morning, would read Magnus’ massage first. “I’m a rapist” was written in huge, yet neat letters on Cartwright’s chest. Yes, that would do, Magnus nodded contently. Maybe he should thank his father Asmodeus for teaching him some dirty and dark tricks back in the days. Maybe that would be exaggerating.

When he was back home in his loft, he fell directly into his bed, exhausted but strangely satisfied.

Breakfast the next morning was a quiet affair, Magnus was barely awake and Jace was nervous and slightly hungover, his eyes darted from Magnus to Alec and back. He remembered what he had revealed and despite his better knowledge, somehow he always waited for the other shoe to drop, for them to judge him or call him pathetic or weak. Alec sensed the insecurity, and instead of reassuring him with words he just wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling his neck. Sometimes actions were better than words.

The loud crack of an arriving fire massage interrupted the peace. “What is it?” Magnus frowned while reading it, but then a small smile appeared on his face. “It’s from your parents, Izzy and Alec. They want me to renew and strengthen the wards.” Alec cocked an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

“Apparently there has been a preach of wards the other night.”

“At our Institute?” Isabelle’s voice cut in, but Magnus just shook his head. “No, not at all. My wards are unpreachable. It was not even in an Institute, it was at an Orphanage.”

Jace looked at Magnus intensely, an unreadable expression in his face. “You don’t say. It doesn’t happen to be the Liverpool one?”

Magnus smirked at him. “Ah, indeed. What coincidence, don’t you think? Apparently the director has been, well, roughened up a little. Tortured maybe even. Poor lad.” Magnus gaze hadn’t left Jace’s.

“What coincidence, in deed.” Jace stood up and strolled over to Magnus. His hands wrapped around the Warlock and he pressed a light kiss to his cheek. “Thank you” he whispered before he turned, facing Alec with a quizzical look. “And thank you, I guess?” But Alec shook his head. Jace just smiled. “I see. You stayed here, looking after me. So still, thank you. I appreciate what you’ve done. The both of you.”

“Not for this, darling, not for this.” Magnus replied tenderly. “No one hurts what’s mine without handling the consequences.”

“Yours?”

“Of course mine. You three, you’re my family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, honestly, that chapter turned out completely different than originally planned, but someone (😘) wanted vengeance, so here we are! And to be honest, I loved writing every word of it. So thanks for the suggestion honey ❤! But I also will write the original planned last chapter, so there will be a final sixth one.  
> (And yes, deep inside I’m a very fluffy and sappy person).  
> As always, I’m dying to hear what you all think of it!


	6. A place to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for Nathanoy25, who wanted to hide the boys away and give them a happily ever after. Hope this is what you had in mind

_A few month later_

Alec blinked lazily into the hot blazing sun, which shone merciless down on the little group of Shadowhunters, laying splayed around the small, private, sandy bay, just outside the L.A. Institute. Alec loved the sea, the salty smell, the waves, the feeling of sun and salt water on his skin, the taste of fish and freshness on his tongue. He loved to dig his toes into the sand and feel the warmness of the sand turn earthy and muddy.

“You know, I love your cousin.” Alec turned to the voice, snorting with a light laughter. “You love L.A. and the beach life, to be precise.”

“Well, we’ve could have done worse” Jace admitted lightly. “This place is amazing. But I really do like Aline. She is a great person and Head.”

Alec smiled down on his lover contently. He was glad that everything had worked out in their favor. Izzy and Jace hadn’t minded the life of rogue Shadowhunters, who fought only the demons they wanted to, who were not required to answer to a superior force. At first, Alec had liked it as well, he had enjoyed the unexpected freedom that came with turning their backs on their parents as much as Izzy and Jace. But after a while he had become restless, he missed the discipline and routine a life in an Institute brought, he missed the purpose. He had been brought up to be a leader, to be the next Head of Institute, and as much as he had hated the pressure his parents had put on him, as much he had to admit that he had liked goal behind.

So when he heard that his cousin Aline was going to marry Helen Blackthorn to run the L.A. Institute together (and, of course, because they loved each other), he seized the chance for an official transfer. Naturally, he conferred with his sister and his Parabatai about it before, but he had felt utterly relieved when both agreed to give it a try. Magnus had generously proposed that their room were always waiting for them, back home in his New Yorker loft, when they wanted to return – for good, or just for a break, an option especially Jace took from time to time. Sometimes he needed a refuge, to be alone or just to be with Magnus, with whom he shared a deep relationship. The shared troubled youth, the pain both man had to live through had been a sound foundation of trust, which quickly evolved into a genuine and close friendship. Magnus had been invited to join them in L.A., but Magnus was a New Yorker, if not by birth but by everything else. And if you were able to conjure a portal with a wink of your hand, distance really didn’t matter that much. Whenever the four wanted to meet up, they portaled back and fourth, never forgetting what they were: family. A chosen one, but the one, which proved to be the real one.

“So you don’t mind the kids?” Alec asked, playing absentmindedly with the blond’s hair. Unlike the New York Institute, the L.A. one was nearly crowded with people. The Blackthorns were a huge family, there were the oldest, the half-seelies, Helen and Mark, then Julian Blackthorn who seemed glued to his Parabatai Emma Carstairs, who had lost her parents in a cruel attack and lived also at the Institute. Then came the twins, Livia an Ty, followed by Drusilla and the youngest, Tavvy, who was just a toddler. The Blackthorns were orphans, their parents had died during the Dark War the Clave had fought against Valentine and the Circle, and were raised mainly by Julian and Helen and now Aline.

“No, I don’t mind them. Actually, that Mark bloke is rather fit.” Jace’s eyes darted towards Mark, who was chatting amicably with Izzy, before he looked back at Alec with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, a small smirk playing around his lips.

“You, Jace Wayland, will keep your eyes and most definitely your hands to yourself” Alec said pointedly to the blond, while poking his lover in the chest. The grin deepened.

“And what if not?” The low, husky voice ran a shiver down Alec’s spine.

“Then, I will have to teach you to behave.” The thread was underlined by a rough kiss. “I will handcuff you, chain you up and…” Jace’s cock gave an interested switch at this prospect, but before he could kiss Alec back, a book hit his head.

“Urgh, get a room, you two”. Izzy smirked at them, of course her aim was flawless. The boys just laughed.

Alec continued to trail Jace’s old scars with his index finger. He couldn’t count the times had had done that, caressed them, kissed them to chase away the bad memories which they held and to replace them by love and compassion. In the hot L.A sun, the white scars stood in a harsh contrast to Jace’s golden, bronzed skin. At least on the outside, they were more visible than ever before. But on the inside, they seemed to have faded. They would never totally vanish, but they had lost their power. Sometimes they emerged from the shadows, demanding attention, forcing Jace to look closely at them, to deal with what they stood for. But the times became fewer and less intense.

A slight nudge interrupted Alec’s trance. He felt Jace’s hot lips on his ear, nipping shortly at his earlobe. “I think we should tell them about the curse.” Alec followed Jace’s gaze. Julian and Emma lay next to each other, as usual, lost in a world only the two of them saw. Their hands were interlined, Julian’s thumb stroked small circles on her palm. “Yes, I think we should. Could save them a lot of pain. But soon I will tell everyone, not just them.”

“So you are still planning on taking over the Clave?” Alec huffed a little at Jace’s teasing, but basically the blond was right. The Clave needed change, and he would attempt to bring it. He believed in change from the inside, therefore he would try to run for an official position within the Clave to initiate that change. His plan was to begin with the Parabatai curse. The tale of that curse had brought misery to enough people, it was time to spread the word that it didn’t existed. And as Jace and him were no official Parabatais, there was nothing the Clave could threaten them with. But this would be just the beginning. Alec had seen how differently the Clave delegations treated Aline, the full blooded Shadowhunter from a respected family, and Helen, the half-Seelie, and he had hated every bit of it. He hated the way most Shadowhunters talked about Downworlders, as if they were lesser. Yes, the Clave, the world in general, needed change. And he would fight for it.

“Yes, I’m still doing that. If you are on board with it, that is.” Jace looked at him with earnest, all teasing gone.

“Of course Alec. You’re a born leader. They will follow you. You have the support of the most powerful and esteemed Downworlder on your side. _I_ will follow you. Besides, it’s the right cause.”

Alec raised a questioning eyebrow. “Since when has being right mattered? At least in politics I cannot remember an occasion.”

Jace sighed a little. “You’re right, that alone never helped.” He looked at Alec with an intensity that made the older boy swallow. The Angelic power Jace possessed was barely hidden beneath the surface, his eyes glowed golden and his runes seemed to intensify. “I will make them follow you” he said, a rough edge to his voice. It was a promise Jace intended to keep. He knew his lover was right and Alec was the right person to accomplish it. He was a born leader, he had meant every word he had said. He pressed a light kiss on Alec’s lips before he continued. “But let’s start with the small changes.” He stood up and hold his hand out to pull Alec up with him. Together they strolled over to the young Parabatai couple.

“Hey, Jules, Emma, do you have a second…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, this was a short&fluffy last chapter, I hope you liked it anyway. Kudos & comments are always welcomed 😊

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading&leaving kudos&commenting!


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